[英中] 努力不要太原文照搬的幾個句子

看板Translation作者adrolian (深藍)時間13年前 (2011/04/27 10:08)推噓3(3推 0噓 16→)

留言19則, 5人參與討論串1/3 (看更多)

大家好，我又來叨擾各位前輩了。最近一直努力試著跳出原文的框框，但這實在是太困難了，好像只有寫景的部分我比較有機會成功。不過我會繼續加油的！接下來仍是小說的翻譯，請各位多多指教。一、 Wafting upward, the creature lands in a clearing. It whispers to a stop, its milky hide as brilliant as the crusted snow that etches the rocks into crystal sculptures. Translucent ears prick forward. 那生物往上飄，著陸在一片林間空地中。牠悄聲低語，暫時留駐，半透明的雙耳朝前豎起，乳白毛皮璀璨明亮一如雪殼，彷彿蝕刻在岩石上的水晶雕像。（我覺得as brilliant as the crusted snow that etches the rocks into　crystal 　sculptures這一段我的譯文跟原文是有出入的，但我不知該如何修訂。）二、 Head swivelling to look back, the doe stamps her hoof, then snorts softly. She bounds forward to merge with the shadows. A ghostly and beautiful light bursts from her, stippling the surrounding trees. Snow diamonds glitter in the low-lying boughs. Cut-glass stars flare atop fir trees. 那頭牝鹿跺跺蹄子，轉頭往後看，輕柔地噴聲鼻息。她一躍向前，與陰影融為一體。一道幽靈似的美麗光芒從她身上迸射而出，在周遭林木上製造出點畫般的效果。低垂枝椏間，雪鑽石閃閃爍爍，冷杉樹頂，刻花玻璃般的星星散放光芒。（ghostly怎麼翻譯比較好呢？還有我很想在這個句子前面加點原文裡沒有的像是　忽然、倏地之類表示時序性的詞，如此這就可以成為一個完整的段子。但我可以　這麼做嗎？我一直疑惑翻譯與改作之間的分際，或者說，我原本以為我懂，但落　實到操作層面上時，我才發現我不知道那條線究竟在哪裡，所以只敢亦步亦趨，　追隨原文。）三、 Snape lowers the wand, and an unvoiced spectre curls from his lips, an exhaled prayer of relief. 斯內普放低魔棒，釋然地吐出一段禱文，未言明的恐懼卷曲著離開他的雙唇。（我覺得這一句譯文有問題，因為我對原文的理解有問題。）四、 Darkness flows over him, the darkness of the present moment. He gathers himself. It's mesmerising, like watching the black and white shadows of two decades race over him, fast-forwarding from youth into age, from hope to despair. Lily sees him gather his anger, his stubbornness, his cold brilliance and remorse, his bitter devotion, sees him spin them around himself and pull the net tight. The lines eat into his face as he grows spidery again, fugitive, too subtle for even the Dark Lord to catch. 黑暗淹沒他，這夜色深濃的時刻。他緊擁住自己。像是旁觀過往二十年的黑白陰影從他身上飛奔而過，從年輕往前急馳到年老，從希望快進到絕望，一切是那麼的令人著迷。莉莉看見他收攏了他的憤怒，他的固執，他冷酷的才華與悔恨，他的苦澀奉獻，看見他繞著自己吐出那些記憶與苦痛的絲線，緊緊拉成一張羅網。當他再度長成蜘蛛腿般細細長長的模樣時，那些絲線瞬間吃進他的臉，箇中變化細微得即便是黑魔王也不能發覺。（我不知道自己的譯文是否正確，尤其是It's mesmerising開始那一句，還有　spidery這一字。）問題拉雜瑣碎，先在此向耐心看到這裡的前輩們感激的一鞠躬。 -- ※ 發信站: 批踢踢實業坊(ptt.cc) ◆ From: 125.224.1.36

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