Re: [寫作班] IELTS task2寫作 Doris
看板ST-English作者excrement (the essence of love)時間15年前 (2009/05/22 07:22)推噓0(0推 0噓 0→)留言0則, 0人參與討論串2/2 (看更多)
Same problems happen in this essay (again hope it's not too late..)
At many places a period should be used instead of a comma.
Another problem is about your argument.
In 1st paragraph you mention prevention is better than cure, but in the final
para you said prevention is as important as cure. So...what's exactly your
opinion?
Another problem is about word choice. I understand most of us want to impress
raters with our vocabulary, but inappropriate usage/choices would bring
counter effects. I would only illustrate a few in the text.
※ 引述《smiledoris (小恩)》之銘言：
: Out of country's health budget, a large proportion should be diverted from
: treatment to spending on health education and preventative measures.
: To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?
: ---------------------------
: In recent years governments and ordinary citizens have been attaching greater
: weight to the health issue, and furthermore, the argument of should authority
: concerned spends more revenue on health education and preventative measures
: has become a hot-button debate, however, I believe that prevention is surely
: better than cure.
: A patient who has limited education of health and medicine would cause huge
: catastrophe to himself/herself, for he/she might abuse drugs or take medicine
~~~~~~~~~~~inappropriate here.
This word means very very serious damage. like earthquake or plane crash
: indiscreetly. Therefore, that is why health education plays such an important
~~~~~~~~~~~~~ kind of weird to use here.
: role in medical system, furthermore, health education also concerns to the
: avocations of personal hygiene, educating people to build up good hygiene
: habits, for example, wash your hands before you eat, could decrease the
: possibility of getting ill and lower the country’s health budget.
"wash...,could...." is not a sentence. and there is no S here.
: Spending more budgets on the research of preventative measures could also
: decrease the future potential health hazards. Through the experiments of
~~~~~~~inappropriate here.
: scientists, new method of curing deadly diseases such as cancers and AIDS
: might be invented, and through the research works, not only the medical
: staffs, but also ordinary citizens can acquire more useful knowledge toward
: those illnesses.
: Some argue that transfer a large proportion of budget from treatment to other
: preventative measures is actually wasting time and money, for solving the
: crises now should be put more importance than preventing the unknown future
: crises. However, I do not agree with this opinion, for I believe that both
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
here I would suggest a deletion of "I believe". The sentence will be more
persuasive without this phrase.
: treatments and preventative measures share the same degree of importance,
: government and the authority concerned should not only handle the happening
: crises, saving lives in distress, but also put into money and efforts in
: finding remedies and new method of curing diseases.
here I am not sure about your argument. Does prevention that you refer to
include finding cure for existed diseases? Should that be included?
: In conclusion, I believe that both prevention and cure are important and
: crucial to human society.
: -------------------
: ：D
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