Re: [寫作班] 托福第31週 maturitymin
看板ST-English作者excrement (the essence of love)時間15年前 (2009/03/22 07:19)推噓2(2推 0噓 1→)留言3則, 1人參與討論串2/2 (看更多)
First, I think the organization of this essay is pretty clear, and some
examples are given for the argument (which is nice).
However, (just my opinion), I think the argument seems too strong and too
categorical and might cause readers to doubt the validity of this argument.
For example, not all children choose cartoons/children programs only. Some
and actually many will watch other shows, especially when their parents are
watching. So, you might want to modify your argument, e.g. watching TV will
do good for children only if they watch educational children programs.
Meanwhile, I think there are some redundant wording in the paragraphs. I will
illustrate some, but not all. I believe you will undersand.
Finally, in academic essays, writers seldom start a sentence with So/And.
You can either replace So with Therefore or you can combine the sentence
with the previous one.
※ 引述《maturitymin (@@)》之銘言：
: 3. Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Watching television
: is bad for children.
: According to the statement, I don't think watching television is bad for
: children. In my country, the television programs are not good for everyone,
: but cartoons or children shows are good for children to watch. In my opinion,
: children watching television always choose cartoons or other children shows.
: They will not choose the common television programs. In the following
: paragraphs, I would like to reason and provide evidence to support my view.
^^^^^^^^^^^(redundant)
: First of all, the reason why I have such a view is that children almost don't
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^(redundant)
: watch television without cartoons or children shows. That is to say, they
: will not watch the common television programs. So they will not watch the bad
: programs like entertainment programs. A particular example is from my
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
redundant; For example, would be fine
: cousins; they just like to watch cartoons and children shows. They think all
: programs are boring except cartoons and children shows. I even redundant
^^^^^^^^^(?)
what do you mean?
: watch cartoons or children shows when I was a child. I think children just
: don't watch bad programs, so watching TV will not be bad for them.
: In the second place, some cartoons and children shows are good for children.
: In other words, some cartoons and children shows have educational value. For
: example, sometimes I watch the cartoons and children shows with my cousins. I
: have found some cartoons are made for children to learn English. So my
: cousins can learn English by watching cartoons. And some children shows are
: made for children to learn to exercise. Therefore, I think cartoons and
: children shows are good for children.
: To sum up, from what has been discussed above, simply, I conclude that
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
redundant.
:watching television is not bad for children, because children are only
: interested in cartoons and children shows. They will not watch common
: television programs. Some cartoons and children shows are full of educational
: value. They can learning by watching. So I don't think watching television is
: bad for children.
--
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