Re: [請益] 請我幫看一下PS
謝謝您的指導，果然熱騰騰的東西拿上來是會被笑的。
我在對於為什麼選這些系的地方著墨不夠深，可能一部份是我自己也沒有想好。
其實我不知道篇幅該多大，所以省略的很多東西，造成許多誤解抱歉。
1.我父母對我的影響是真的很大，但想進建中也一部份是我自己在親身經歷後的決定。
2.Bachelor of Medicine and Bachelor of Surgery 是選系中的同一類
3.後面提到父母其實只是想表達我是個獨立又不讓父母擔心的小孩，但若真的不妥，我會刪
4.要怎麼樣寫的比較沒那麼"匠氣"？從沒學過寫作，請問有任何建議嗎？
另外，建中學生是不會到網路上找字句來拼湊自己的自傳，至少我不會。
唉一部分可能也是大家學的英文都一樣吧！
再次謝謝您的指導。
※ 引述《hoch (Sanctuary)》之銘言：
: 建中學生看得出來花很多功夫寫出來這樣洋洋灑灑的一篇。不過我覺得前面
: 幾段很匠氣，也就是說，語句感覺很像是範本或是網路拼湊起來的。希望是
: 我的偏見。
: : Not until I was in year 11th did I hear about Hong Kong University from my
: "grade 11"？
: : mom. By the time, I was only a high school student looking forward to
: : entering National Taiwan University, but all was different. The more
: : information about HKU I received, the stronger my determination to enter the
: : university was established. The culture HKU keeps is exactly the one I’m
: : dreaming of. And the most important and decisive reason is that: “I want to
: : go out.” I want to stay away from my comfort zone, Taiwan. Meeting new
: : people, adjusting to a new environment and facing any difficulties I’ve
: adapting
: : never coped with before have never been an obstacle to my pursuing of dreams.
: : And that’s my philosophy, that’s who I am.
: : Being a student in the top high school in Taiwan, I was not actually born in
: : Taipei. When I was in junior high school, my father kept telling me about
: 老實說這一句很做作。你就老實說你是建中就好了。老外都碼這樣做的。不必拐彎抹角。
: I am a grade 11 student of CK Senior High School, the most prestigious
: high school in Taiwan.
: : the advantages I could get if I attend Jiaguo High School such as resources
: : and competitiveness. Therefore, I set up my mind.
: 一樣是我個人意見：這兩句也很礙眼。尤其是你進建中的 motivation 竟然是你老爸
: 叫你進你就進。
: : Three years ago, I walked into the school. Three years later, I can’t
: : believe I’m leaving. What I’ve learned were beyond my expectations:
: : dependence, cooperation and leadership.
: "dependence" 在這不知是指啥？
: : Clubs are the most important part for a high school student in Taipei. They
: 課外活動的話，用 extracurricular activities 比較好。"most important" 改成
: "an important part ..." 比較合乎實際。
: : are not only a place to relax from whole day schooling, but a place to learn.
: : Faced with the variety of clubs in CK (what we really call our school), I
: Given the wide variety of student clubs offered by our school (actually I
: believe CK High School provides the greatest student clubs in terms of the
: number, variety and depth among all Taiwanese high schools), I ...
: : chose Biology Club eventually. In the second year, I became the microbiology
: : and immunology teacher and the executive of activities planning. Winter camp
: : is the most important activity in the club, we hosted a six-day camp for the
: The winter camp was the most important activity,
: where we as the senior students were responsible for
: organizing a six-day camp dedicated for our freshman classmantes.
: : freshman, and I was elected as the director. Being the director meant entire
: : responsibility, and you were not the only one who was working on it.
: 其實我看不太懂何謂 "you were not the only .... on it".
: : Cooperation and communication are the indispensable abilities for not only
: : the members but the very leader. And I always told everyone to “argue”,
: : because only through argue can one learn others opinions and then blend them
: : with his together. When “argue” developed into “fight”, that’s the time
: : my work should be done. Though filled with difficulties, the winter camp
: : ended up successful. Take a bow, my job was done.
: : In the last year, I was selected as the biology school team through a series
: : of tests. Later I won the second place of the “Taipei High School Science
: : and Information Ability Contest”, and about to join the “Taiwan High School
: : Science and Information Ability Contest” in January, 2012. Through all the
: : training and contests, I developed a further ability in conducting biology
: : experiments and a way of “thinking deeper”.
: 這後面幾段的語氣，和前面剛開頭的部分很不搭。
: The training and skills that I've received through the contests allow
: me to develop the qualities required to be a good scientist, such as
: persistent curiosity, problem solving and team working abilities.
: : As a foreign student, I left my home in Taoyuan and shared a dormitory with
: 這樣不算 "foreigh student"，我覺得。
: : my club mate in the second year. From then on, I had to take care of all
: : kinds of house chores like doing the laundry, cleaning the room, and even
: : taking out the trash. However, I figured out that when no one is near, you
: : are really on your own.
: : Despite club activities and school team training, I still managed to keep my
: : grades in the first three places in the class, and that was why my parents
: : never worried about my school work.
: Again, 我不認為一直提到父母有任何加分的效果。
: : As for the curriculums I choose are Bachelor of Medicine and Bachelor of
: : Surgery, Bachelor of Business Administration. I know I chose the completely
: : different two curriculums. I chose Medicine because of my interest in
: 看起來你選了三個。不了解為何說 "two curriculums".
: I am interested in the Bachelor of Medicine, Bachelor of Surgery, and Bachelor
: of Business Administration programs.
: : Biology. I chose Business because I believe in my leadership. I don’t care
: : whether I am becoming a doctor or a company’s CEO in the future. No one
: "I don't care ... " 這一句感覺立論很弱。
: : knows what my life will look in the future, nor do I. However, there is one
: : thing I’m completely sure: HKU is the best university I want to enter, and I
: : think I am meant to be there.
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