[經驗] 難以克制的上吊意念
我的房間在小學三年級房子剛買下時原本是有挑高的,橫跨三四樓。為了有效利用空間,我爸和我外公一起做了個天花板把我的房間隔成三四樓兩部分,然後在四樓牆壁打個洞,讓隔出的上半部變成倉庫。後來,因為裝在新的天花板上的電扇會讓整個天花板共振(?)產生噪音,我爸又在我房間做了個小橫樑(橫樑和天花板間有空隙)把電扇吊在上面,之後就沒有噪音了。但是,到了我小學五年級的冬天時出了狀況。
某天下課後,我躺在床上看著天花板的橫樑,腦中突然出現一個想法。
「好想試著上吊看看」
上吊是什麼感覺?窒息是什麼感覺?如果我拿著剪刀,吊一下再剪掉的話應該沒關係吧?萬一不小心死掉怎麼辦?可是我好想試試看……如此這般的想法不斷湧入腦中,同時伴隨著胸口悶悶的,有點難呼吸的感覺。想上吊試試看的衝動和恐懼在我心裡互相衝擊,最後,我真的跑去拿了剪刀、梯子和塑膠繩(紅色一大球,可以弄成一絲一絲的那種),實行上吊。不過幸好繩子沒有綁好,我一離開梯子馬上就摔了下來。到了這邊我已經怕得不得了,衝下樓去找我爸哭訴,不過我不敢跟他說我真的嘗試了,結果我爸媽就只是把我當成想太多的小孩子沒有太在意。
接下來幾天情況都沒有好轉,只要我看到橫樑或其他任何可以用來綁繩子上吊的地方,那種「我想上吊」的想法又會襲來。我試著找學校輔導老師幫忙,信基督教(天主教?)的輔導老師教我害怕時大喊「撒旦離開我」,不過沒有用。我還曾哭著跪在我們家的祖先牌位前請爺爺奶奶托夢幫我,但隔天醒來什麼也沒夢到。
直到有一天我在學校哭到崩潰了,老師打電話請我爸帶我回家,我爸才帶我去新埔義民廟拜拜求籤。廟祝(我不確定是不是這樣叫)看了我抽的籤,只問我:「是不是很少去廟裡拜拜?以後多拜拜就好了」之後給了我一張護身符帶著。在這之後,我就沒有再產生想上吊的想法了。(隔年冬天其實還有再發生一次,不過很輕微,也很快就消失了。)
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其實如果當時有看精神科吃個藥應該就沒事了,只是拿個符就好了我想說也算是有點飄XD(我爸媽當時對精神科可能有點偏見沒帶我去看病就算了,那個輔導老師還真的是滿失職)
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真的是撿回來的
※ 編輯: EpsilonSgr (114.36.222.66), 03/29/2017 10:28:53
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