[心情] (代貼)第一次的感受
雖然這件事已經是很久之前了~可是一直很想問
這段感情已經分手了~
在交往之前
我=經驗1次~(只有被手指進入過一次~但因為很痛)
瞬間拒絕對方~自從這之後沒多久就分手了~(這不是重點)
男方=經驗很多次(他講的 我沒求證過)
直接跳重點~
第一次的那天:(我有跟他說過我的經驗)
我得承認我抱持了美好的幻想~溫柔的對待之類的
不過我大錯特錯了
因為我沒經驗~對方很有經驗~
所以我就非常乖的任人擺布~
而且心理準備接受疼痛(我其實是一個很能忍痛的人)
在ptt打滾久了~就簡單來說
1.做不到5分鐘的前戲~他認為濕了就可以督了
(從這裡我開始感到恐懼~)
2.大概不到3分鐘~我就被完全進入了~他一直跟我說他在嘗試
我有說痛~~也沒有給我適應的時間
(這三分鐘~真的好痛好痛~但我就忍著~大概是小時候被打慣了
痛就忍著)~此時內心又痛~又緊張~又害怕
3.接下來~當進入後暢通無阻~猛烈進攻
(沒辦法~大概我不想讓他不開心~從我開始恐懼開始~我就臉上裝很爽)
4.接下來的時間~我真的覺得覺得"度秒如年"~雖然有點進出感覺~
但疼痛感超級強烈~不過我繼續演戲~我突然知道為什麼人家說女生會裝高潮
5.這個進攻 真是超級久的~我預算30分鐘有~
(此時我心裡的恐懼感~遠遠大於疼痛~我只有嘴上說舒服而已)
6.最後結束end~他突然問我說~你流血了?
(不知道為什麼我心裡超級不舒服~我跟你說過我沒做過)
他回我:你真的沒做過喔
然後他拿衛生紙幫我擦一下~就近浴室了
(講到這裡~喝杯茶~)........
剩下我一個人躺在被窩裡.......
然後我哭了~我不知道我為什麼哭~沒有預警的眼淚一直流
說一句難聽的~我真的覺得好像自願被強暴
滿滿的就是非常害怕~恐懼~就覺得好像是受虐待一樣
當然自己選擇的~自己擔~有時候~真覺得愛了就會忍受一切
不過自此之後我有了陰影~全部拒絕~然後分手了~
(這之前有溝通過 但完全沒改善)
後來我再也不敢交男友~我真的覺得太可怕了~
就像是被火燙到一次~就再也不敢靠近
請問這種陰影要怎麼治療ˊˋ~~~?
--
※ 發信站: 批踢踢實業坊(ptt.cc)
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