Re: [寫作班] 托福第39週 ikkk (3)
看板ST-English作者excrement (the essence of love)時間15年前 (2009/07/29 17:16)推噓1(1推 0噓 0→)留言1則, 1人參與討論串2/2 (看更多)
1. you need to pay attention to your sentences. many of your sentences are
either too long or lack of main verbs.
2. it's a little bit short for a TOEFL essay. You can develop two paragraphs
for the body of the essay. That is, only write one main idea in one para.
E.g. the advantages of living in a city and the disadvantages of living in the
countryside.
※ 引述《ikkk ()》之銘言：
: : 3. Some people prefer to live in a small town. Others prefer to live in a
: : big city. Which place would you prefer to live in?
: I remembered that when I was a child, I was very attracted toward
: living in a small town, such as Yilan country, Taiwan, because of no
: air pollution, no crowded people, very beautiful scenery, as well as
: freedom and comfort of living in a small town. But now, I think I prefer
The part of sentence starting from "because of..." is too long and not
parallel. you can use several sentences to describe this.
: a big city to a small town, due to convenience and efficiency in a big
: city.
what efficiency? be more specific
: To be a modern people, getting the latest information is very essential,
person ~~~~~~~~
why?
: and it also can enrich your life. Mature transportation systems,
: convenient stores and shopping malls everywhere, the newest theories,
: and more opportunities of job. Therefore, that you can find anything you
No Verb in the sentence starting from "Mature.."
: want is the most important merit in a big city. On the other word, living
hand ~~~~~~
: in a small town, it’s not easy to achieve these functions of living.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ not a complete sentence. It's more like you are talking.
you need to avoid that. it's too conversational.
: Although people living in a small town can be free, they're losing
~~~~unclear?
: competitions in the future. In my opinion, I wound rather live in a big
~~~~~~~~~~~~what kind of competitions? why?
: city than in a small town.
: If you give me a chance to choose which place you would prefer to live
: in, a big city or a small town. I think a big city is my respond. Convenient
response
this sentence is also very conversational. it's like talking, not writing.
: life and high efficiency of a big city can tell us the answer, and it’s
: the deficiency in a small town as well.
here you talk about deficiency, and in the body paragraph you also mention that
peole living in the countryside will lose competitions. but remember that in
the intro you mention you want to live in the countryside because of several
advantages. So the intro and some of your argument is not consistent. I would
suggest that you revise your intro and not make your argument too assertive (
that is, use modal verbs such as might, could, or use adverb such as usually)
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