Re: [寫作班] 托福第33週》citc 2
看板ST-English作者excrement (the essence of love)時間15年前 (2009/05/17 13:42)推噓0(0推 0噓 0→)留言0則, 0人參與討論串2/2 (看更多)
There are not big problems in this essay. However, some wording needs
to be revised. Here I would only illustrate some examples.
※ 引述《citc (leo)》之銘言：
: The twentieth century saw great change. In your opinion, what is ONE
: change that should be remembered about the twentieth century?
: As time go by, more and more innovations have been produced in 20 century.
: Travelers can drive car but walk to the destination, whereas students can go
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~confusing, what do you mean?
: to the distance class at home. For me, I think that internet development is
: the great invention of 20 century that change our life and worthy to be
: remembered because of the following reasons.
: First of all, the internet seems like a library that contains a lot of
: information as well as treasures. The phenomena that researchers often look
: up the journal and references in the library all day is hardly observed in
: the modern day. I can download for the Journal article at home and read the
: intact documents. This invention helps people gain more knowledge and then
: progress in research.
Here you mention that there are abundant resources on the Internet, but then
you mention researchers. There is a disconnection. That also applies to the
next sentence. I and researchers and the Internet...what is the relationship?
: Secondly, people use the internet to create the value. The internet is the
: access to the public space for everyone that can use the computer. Some
: business and commercial services are provided through internets. For example,
~~~~~~~~no "s"
: I enjoy buying clothing in website because I have a variety of choices,
: quickly compare price and know criticism from other people. The internet
: facilitates the advertisement and increases commercial activities in business.
Here you say that the internet can create value...but it is unclear what kind
of value you suggest. It seems to me it's not value but convenience? I am
not sure.
: Third, the internet becomes a platform that we know other people and express
: themselves. Many web company provide the popular services such as the blog and
: album space. People can keep diary or give the statement of issues that others
: can read and discuss together. More relationship such as friendships developed
~~~~~~~~~~no "s"
: by the internet, even more couples got married. I consider that internet can
: shorten the distance with people in thinking and create more relationship.
Again, it has to be made clear the relationship between "people express
themselves on a virtual platform" and "relationship is establisehed"
: In sum, although problems that contain the unsure danger and lack the censor to
: manage the information are exist, the internet provide the convenience and
: efficiency. The modern people are so lucky that they can enjoy the resource
: everywhere in any time. Therefore, I consider that internet invention greatly
: change our purchasing behavior, social networks and information popularity.
In conclusion you don't need to mention the drawback of the internet, because
it somehow distracts readers from your main argument.
--
※ 發信站: 批踢踢實業坊(ptt.cc)
◆ From: 128.205.231.174
討論串 (同標題文章)
本文引述了以下文章的的內容：
完整討論串 (本文為第 2 之 2 篇)：