Re: [寫作班] 托福第33週》citc 1
看板ST-English作者excrement (the essence of love)時間15年前 (2009/04/15 04:26)推噓1(1推 0噓 0→)留言1則, 1人參與討論串2/2 (看更多)
It is a well-organized essay with strong arguments. The only problem lies
in the expression/narration (how you express your ideas in a sentence)
I will illustrate this problem below.
※ 引述《citc (leo)》之銘言：
: : 1. When famous people such as actors, athletes and rock stars give their
: : opinions, many people listen. Do you think we should pay attention to
: : these opinions?
: _____________________________________________________________________________
The biggest problem in the 1st paragraph is the inconsistency of tense. You
sometimes use past tense, sometimes use present/future tense in the same
sentence. The inconsistency will cause confusion. I will mark the problematic
usage with ^^^
: The famous people have powerful influence on people because they have the best
: performance and talents in the country, even in the world. Those people often
: become idols that everyone likes and they were regarded as the model that
^^^^^^ ^^^^^
: people desire to imitate. In public places, some famous people will be asked
^^^^^^^ ^^^^^^^^
: to give their opinions to issues that were discussed lively. Therefore,
^^^^^^
: the most people easily were affected by the famous people's opinions because
^^^^^^
: they care about his thoughts and pay attention to that. In my opinions, I do
^^^^^^ ~~~(their?)
: not agree that we should pay attention to these opinions because the following
of
: reasons.
: First of all, the famous people's opinion is not completely suitable and
: correct. Sometimes, the famous people have not a subjective perspective for
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is an example of the problematic expression I have mentioned above.
The sentence does not make sense.
: certain issue because they are not the experts in the field that related to
: the discussion. I think it is not suitable to influence on others' thoughts
: due to unknown knowledge. Consequently, they will misleading the error
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
unknown knowledge is another awkward expression. Besides, this sentence (it is
not suitable...) implies that the celebrities want to influence others even
though they do not have certain knowledge, but this argument might not be
true. They do not necessarily influence others "on purpose".
: viewpoints to audience. Most experts will consider and investigate the public
: issue by more comprising attitudes. We better entrust the affair to
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(same problem) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(same)
: professional people but the famous people.
: Second, famous people sometime have a preference toward something that maybe
~~~~~~~~~
in academic essays, general expression such as something needs to be avoided.
: has the private profit. We are the human and usually we choose the certain
: objects that we like. The famous people also behave in the same way. If people
~~~~~~~~what kind of objects?
: pay attention to their opinions, the famous people can use the weakness to get
: the benefit from people. For example, the president candidates always like to
: familiar with the famous people to get more identities and votes because
~~~~~~~~~~(awkward)
: people agree the famous people’s decision. But people understood the candidate
^^^^^^^^^
why this sentence becomes past tense?
: as a president didn’t perform as well as we expected during the duration of
: presidency. We don’t need to attract to the information that manipulate
~~~~~~~~~~~(awkward, can be deleted)
: the people’s psychology to disturb our decision by famous people’s
: viewspoints.
: In sum, although I can regard their opinion as the reference and think what
: angle they provide their ideas, people need to establish the independent
Here, the S of the first clause (although I...) is "I", but then the
S of the second clause (people need...) is "people". Not consistent.
: thought that can indentify right and wrong. Therefore, I think that people
: do not pay attention to the famous people's opinion.
--
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