[徵文] 空水岸電梯計
本文情節乃虛構,若有姓名音近雷同純屬巧合。
濕滑分撥已定,先引五千兵去各系所挪用經費。忽然十餘次飛鴿報到,說監察院引大
軍十五萬,望指南路蜂擁而來。時濕滑身邊並無大將,止有一班草包;所引五千軍,已分
一半先挪用經費去了,只剩二千五百軍在水岸電梯中。草包聽得這消息,盡皆失色。
濕滑登梯望之,果然塵土沖天,監察兵分兩路望水岸電梯曼殺來。濕滑傳令:眾將校
旗盡皆藏匿;諸軍據守濕滑步道,如有妄行跌倒及批評校方者,立斬;大開水門,每一門
上用二十碩博士,扮作教授,趕論文、賺點數;如監察兵到時,不可擅動,吾自有計。濕
滑乃披鶴氅,戴綸巾,引二小狗,攜校訊一張,於電梯上敵樓前,憑欄而坐,漲學雜費。
卻說監察院前軍哨到城下,見了如此模樣,皆不敢進,急報與聖人。聖人笑而不信,
遂止住三軍,自飛馬遠遠望之,果見濕滑坐於水岸電梯之上,笑容可掬,漲學雜費。 左
有一黃狗,手捧書院計劃;右有一花狗,手執頂大經費;電梯內外有二十餘教授,低頭趕
論文,旁若無人。
聖人看畢,大疑,便到中軍,教後軍作前軍,前軍作後軍,望景美溪而退。監委騰芳
曰:「莫非濕滑沒錢,故作此態,聖人何故便放棄調查?」聖人曰:「濕滑平生謹慎,不
曾挪用經費。今大開水岸電梯,無人搭乘,必有埋伏。我軍若進,中其計也,汝輩焉知?
宜速退。」於是兩路兵盡皆退去。
濕滑見監察軍遠去。撫掌而笑。眾草包無不駭然,乃問濕滑曰:「聖人乃監察院之名
將,今統十五萬精兵到此,見了校長,便速退去,何也?」濕滑曰:「此人料吾平生謹慎
,必不弄險;見水岸電梯無人搭乘,疑有伏兵,所以退去。吾非行險,蓋知學生皆搭校內
公車也。此人必引軍投道南橋去也。吾已令狗后、天殘二人在彼等候。」眾皆驚服,曰:
「校長玄機,神鬼莫測。若某等之見,必拆水岸電梯而走矣。」濕滑曰:「吾兵止有二千
五百,若棄電梯而走,必不能遠遁。得不為監察院所擒乎?」言訖,拍手大笑曰:「吾若
為監察院,必搭大怒神遠眺景美溪也。」
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