Re: [請益] 悲觀
從小就有些慈悲心
有時候會因為脾氣去傷害其他眾生
但是也很有惻隱之心
小時候還因為螞蟻很常跳到開水胡裡
拼命撈開水壺舊螞蟻
正式接觸佛法是國中 真的有開心到
但是
母親永遠的壓力 責罵 不管大事小事
從生病 身材 成績 做人處事 就算被欺負 也會被罵得很慘
國小有過發燒到40度跟老師說我不想回家的經驗
到了大學考上成大 很想要靠外界來尋求信心
參加社團卻耽誤了課業 被退學
從此母親更不相信我的所作所為
如今雖然研究所畢業 也找到了一份看似穩定的工作
但是只要電話是他打來的就絕對沒好事
每次跟母親得吵架總是讓我快要崩潰 不相信自己的存在
想要否定自己 甚至一度出現解離的情形
再加上在人際關係上也是 還了很多債
因為不能抱怨也不能生氣
抱怨和生氣都是我有問題都是我的錯
所以我也沒甚麼朋友
就是憑著一點點的堅持這樣一直撐到現在吧
但是此時此刻 如果真的有意外
說真的我也不想苟活
很多話之前也說過了
如今 中國農曆年
更是不想要回台中
怕因為跟母親吵架引起家庭革命
孝順
我想真的理我很遙遠
我不知道
每天念1000辨地藏王菩薩 還有早晚各念108辨藥師佛有沒有用
我好難過 好想哭
為什麼我這個垃圾要這樣活著傷人家的心
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