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看板poetry作者 (飄泰泰)時間11年前 (2012/11/06 17:06), 編輯推噓2(2推 0噓 16→)
留言18則, 3人參與, 最新討論串1/1
The glowing dusk envelops us in a dream Of a long day's hard work In which we toil and toil To root the roots of all things optimistic. We come home to a table of yesterday's Leftovers, reheated from the night before. In the microwave a religious play Of reincarnation from jelly to fat. Family driven to greet one another Find comfort in little variations of the day. Reported crimes of bitty alterations, The eyewitness of epic resilience. The steel dragons sidewind across the city To bear pilgrims toward the shrines of things. Dusk gives way to dawn, dawn to dusk. Before we wake, life has been forever elsewhere. ------ Revised after receiving suggestions. ------ This is my first time completing a poem. I can yet find a title for it, so temporarily it is "not titled". I'd love to have others' opinions and learn from them. You would be indeed very kind to let me know what you think of it. Hope to contribute more in the future. :) -- ※ 發信站: 批踢踢實業坊(ptt.cc) ◆ From: 140.112.116.40
推
11/06 19:30, , 1F
I like the last line~ Maybe the title can have sth. to
11/06 19:30, 1F
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11/06 19:31, , 2F
do with dusk?
11/06 19:31, 2F
※ 編輯: mrshoward 來自: 1.163.152.171 (11/06 19:45)
推
11/06 20:21, , 3F
i apologize beforehand for my acerbic comments...
11/06 20:21, 3F
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11/06 20:22, , 4F
1st stanza's dream metaphor is a bit loose; how is
11/06 20:22, 4F
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11/06 20:22, , 5F
it a dream? what kind of dream? 2nd stanza
11/06 20:22, 5F
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11/06 20:23, , 6F
leftoverS, timeS; like the metaphor! 3rd stanze
11/06 20:23, 6F
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11/06 20:24, , 7F
inquire AFTER, variationS, alterCations, "bitty"
11/06 20:24, 7F
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11/06 20:24, , 8F
is too slangy, how about "little," "tiny"?
11/06 20:24, 8F
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11/06 20:25, , 9F
lines 4 and 5 aren't capitalized
11/06 20:25, 9F
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11/06 20:26, , 10F
3rd stanza i would move the comma to the 1st line
11/06 20:26, 10F
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11/06 20:26, , 11F
and end the third with a colon or dash
11/06 20:26, 11F
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11/06 20:28, , 12F
third to last line: if you want to decrease number
11/06 20:28, 12F
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11/06 20:28, , 13F
of feet, try:
11/06 20:28, 13F
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11/06 20:28, , 14F
"Bearing pilgrims toward material shrines."
11/06 20:28, 14F
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11/06 20:28, , 15F
or even "Whisking"
11/06 20:28, 15F
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11/06 20:29, , 16F
a
11/06 20:29, 16F
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11/06 20:35, , 17F
not at all.U r very welcome. Thank you.
11/06 20:35, 17F
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11/06 20:36, , 18F
will think about your suggestions! :)
11/06 20:36, 18F
※ 編輯: mrshoward 來自: 140.112.116.40 (11/07 13:46) ※ 編輯: mrshoward 來自: 140.112.116.40 (11/07 16:13)
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文章代碼(AID): #1GcDBua6 (poetry)