[笑話] 愛因斯坦的鸚鵡

看板joke作者YearSecDay (年初二)時間19年前 (2005/02/28 12:12)推噓12(12推 0噓 19→)

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《科學人》愛因斯坦的鸚鵡【撰文╱米爾斯基（Steve Mirsky）　翻譯／鍾樹人】當偉人的腦袋碰上鳥兒的腦袋…… 4月底時，美聯社曾披露愛因斯坦的一位密友凡托娃女士所寫的日記，報導中指出：「凡托娃曾擔任普林斯頓大學費爾斯通圖書館館長。今年2月館方在凡托娃的檔案中發現一本長達62頁、以德文寫成的日記。」日記中提到一件趣事：愛因斯坦曾在75歲生日收到一隻鸚鵡做為禮物。據美聯社報導，「愛因斯坦認定那鸚鵡患有抑鬱症，便試著講些蹩腳笑話，想改善鸚鵡的心情。」鸚鵡的壽命可長達一個世紀。5月初我碰到（或夢到）的那隻鸚鵡，可能就是（也可能不是）愛因斯坦當初試圖取悅的那隻。那隻鸚鵡操著德國腔，背誦了一段獨白，抄錄如下：「到了酒吧，我怎麼點啤酒？我這樣點：『愛因斯坦愛飲四打』。嘿！鸚鵡！你知道豬耳跟波耳有啥不同嗎？當我說上帝不擲骰子時，豬啊不會要我別教上帝怎麼做，我最討厭那樣了。那你要對發明不相容原理的人說些什麼呢？你要說：『包立，來顆爆栗嗎？』他就叫做包立，懂了嗎？哈囉，靈不靈光呀？測試，測試，一、二。嘿！鸚鵡！我夢到自己和麗妲海渥絲嘿咻了一小時。嗯，一小時是她覺得啦，我咧，只有35秒鐘，這就叫相對論。好了，牛頓站在巨人的肩膀上，你知道他說了什麼？他說：『巨人，我要怎麼下去？』巨人說：『你可以靠牛遁逃啊。』我真喜歡這笑話。鸚鵡，告訴我，什麼是勞侖茲收縮？勞侖茲太太生小孩時，最知道什麼是勞侖茲收縮；那是一種時限膨脹，而不是時間膨脹，懂了嗎？再聽一個，有兩個人去了一家叫做H的酒吧，那不就是h-Bar常數！如果你有一些物理學知識，我保證你一定會笑得在地上打滾。呃，如果茹比基勒嫁給……嗯，惠勒，而她又愛到達美樂喝可樂，那她就變成『愛到達美樂喝可樂的茹比基勒惠勒』。如果狄拉克意外撞上珍羅素，大家會怎麼講？他們一定會說：『看，狄拉克在泡珍羅素。』喔，一定會的，相信我。好了，你看，那裡有一對20歲的雙胞胎，其中一位咻地一聲以很快的速度繞行宇宙一圈，另一位乖乖地待在地球上。環遊宇宙的那位回來時，年紀大概長了一歲，他去找他的兄弟，卻發現對方已經95歲了。年輕的走向年老的那位，已經變老的兄弟看看年輕的雙胞胎，淚水頓時湧上眼眶。年輕的那位問：『你為何哭？』年老的說：『我真是太高興了。』年輕的說：『是因為見到我嗎？』年老的說：『沒錯。你離開時欠我 100美元，現在已經變成10萬美元了。』因為複利計算呀！好了，這就是我的笑話了，鸚鵡。啥？你不喜歡住在籠子裡？好呀，那你來當當看全世界最有名的人吧，我甚至不能走出去剪個頭髮呢！你知道嗎？以一隻鸚鵡來說，你算是不錯的聽眾。喔，天呀！你好像剛做了個布朗運動。真慶幸，我把你的籠子放在我的宇宙常數提案書旁邊。這個提案是我此生的第二大錯誤，第一大錯誤是向我的第一任妻子求婚。啦，啦，啦，鸚鵡，如果你在草坪上鋪一張塑膠墊，並在墊子上裝一些聖誕節用的小燈，把燈打開之後就能得到光墊效應。西拉德與費米一起撿果核叫什麼？核連手反應！這不好聽？那你該聽聽我拉的小提琴。薛丁格與海森堡開車上路，海森堡說：『嘿，我想，你剛剛壓到一隻貓了。』薛丁格說：『牠死了嗎？』海森堡怎麼回答？嘿嘿，聽聽這個：『我測不準哩！』好了，好了，全世界最聰明的人竟然在和一隻鸚鵡講話，嘿，鸚鵡呀，這可不是笑話，這就是我的人生。」【2004/08/06 科學人雜誌2004年8月號】 http://www.sciam.com/article.cfm?articleID=00096C6C-54EB-10CF-94EB83414B7F0000 Einstein's Parrot A great brain and a bird brain spend time together By Steve Mirsky In late April the Associated Press reported the discovery of a diary written by a woman, Johanna Fantova, who was a close friend of Albert Einstein. "The 62-page diary, written in German, was discovered in February in Fantova's files at Princeton University's Firestone Library, where she had worked as a curator," the AP story noted. One fascinating revelation of the diary is that Einstein received a parrot as a 75th-birthday gift. According to the AP, "After deciding the bird was depressed, Einstein tried to alter its mood by telling bad jokes." Parrots can live for a century. In early May I may (or may not) have encountered a parrot that may (or may not) have been the bird entertained by Einstein. Speaking in German-accented English, the parrot recited a monologue. What follows is a transcript of that monologue: "How do I order beer in a bar? I say 'Ein stein for Einstein.' Hey, Parrot, what's the difference between a wild boar and Niels Bohr? When I say that God doesn't play dice, a wild boar doesn't tell me to stop telling God what to do. I hate that. So what do you say to the man who developed the exclusion principle? You say, 'Pauli want a cracker?' Wolfgang Pauli, get it? Hello, is this thing on? Testing, one, two. Hey, Parrot, I had a dream where I made love to Rita Hayworth for an hour. Well, for her it was an hour. For me, 35 seconds. That's relativity. Okay, Newton is standing on the shoulders of a giant, and he says, 'Giant, how do I get down off you?' and the giant says, 'You don't get down off me, you get down off a duck.' I love that one. Parrot, tell me, what is a Lorentz contraction? That's when Mrs. Lorentz knows the baby is coming. It's a timed dilation, not a time dilation, get it? Let's see, two guys walk into an h-bar. An H-BAR. If you knew any physics you'd be on the floor, I swear. Uh, if Ruby Keeler married, uh, John Wheeler, became a doctor and got a job in Vegas, she'd be Ruby Keeler Wheeler the heale r dealer. So what would people say if Paul Dirac fell on Jane Russell? They'd say, 'Look at Dirac on Jane Russell.' Oh, they'd say it, trust me. Okay, there are these twins, see. They're 20 years old. And one of them goes zipping around the universe really fast while the other one stays on Earth. The twin who was zipping around comes back, and he's maybe a year older, and he goes to find his brother. And the brother is now 95 years old. And the young twin comes up to him. The old twin looks at the young twin, and tears come to his eyes. And the young twin says, 'Why are you crying?' And the old twin says, 'I'm so happy.' And the young twin says, 'To see me?' And the old twin, he says, 'Yes. The $100 you owed me when you left. It's now $100,000.' From the compounding interest. Oy, these are the jokes, Parrot. What, you don't like living in a cage? Yeah, try being the most famous man in the world. I can't even go out for a haircut. You know, you're a good listener for a parrot. Oh boy, it looks like you just did a Brownian movement. Good thing I lined the cage with my cosmological constant proposal. That proposal was my second biggest mistake. My biggest mistake was my proposal to my first wife. Ba-dum-bum. Parrot, if you had a plastic deer on your lawn covered in Christmas lights, turning them on would give you the faux doe electric effect. Whaddya call it when Leo Szilard and Enrico Fermi pull up an anchor? A chain retraction! Not so good? You should hear me play the violin. So Schroe dinger and Heisenberg are driving down the road, and Heisenberg says, 'Hey, I think you just ran over a cat.' And Schroedinger, he says, 'Is it dead?' And Heisenberg says, heh heh, get this: 'I can't be certain.' Okay, so the smartest man in the world is talking to a parrot. Hey, Parrot, that's not a joke, that's my life." -- ※ 發信站: 批踢踢實業坊(ptt.cc) ◆ From: 218.162.216.94

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