[心得] 要準備送沐沐走了
經過好一番的努力,終於我認清了我沒辦法讓沐沐好起來
為了我對牠的依戀,我勉強把牠留在身邊,但是望著躺在地上的牠,我想,再怎麼
不捨得都是我的問題,於是哭著決定要送牠走。
牠今年確切的年紀我不知道,只知道牠是我姊在 17年前從陽明山上撿回來的
模樣如縮小版的古代牧羊犬,醫生說這是某種梗犬
沐沐被鄰居丟過石頭, 被雨傘戳過,11年前出了一場大車禍,救回一命但從此
無法自己尿尿大便,我也因此學會擠尿擠大便,幾秒鐘就能擠地乾乾淨淨。
牠感染過心絲蟲,焦蟲,都被我從鬼門關前拉回一把
但是去年她開始不能站立,不能走,我試過西醫中醫都沒辦法,然後很少亂叫的牠
開始鎮日嚎叫,嚎叫到聲嘶力竭,
平常不讓人抱的牠只有在我們懷裡才能安靜喘口氣,眼睛瞇成一線。
晚上必須餵牠吃鎮定劑才能自己睡覺。
醫生說牠是老年癡呆。
醫生說狗對於自己不能動很沒安全感。
醫生說狗不會沒事亂叫,亂叫都是有原因的。
牠現在屁股和後腳和臉都沒甚麼肉了,吃東西雖然胃口還算不錯但是沒甚麼力量,
身上有些褥瘡,有些被輪椅磨破的傷,有些褥瘡,還有因為牙周病長出來又被沐沐
撞破的膿包與傷口。
現在的她沉睡著,距離我打算送牠走的時間不到六天了,我這幾天不斷地思考為甚麼
我放不下,牠是這麼一個小可憐,連上廁所都要我抱著...原來是我習慣了有狗狗陪伴
的生活,我習慣了有沐沐的陪伴,再加上決定以後不養了,更是對於未來沒有狗的生活
害怕。
不知道哭了幾回了,連上班都在偷哭,我告訴自己要撐過去,要讓沐沐安心走,不要讓牠
拖著病體再留戀。
但是我還是好。捨。不。得。
(又哭了)
--
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