Re: [寫作班] 托福第29週 happy1031, 5
Since it's a toefl test, maybe you want to write a little bit more.
organization is the focus here.
※ 引述《happy1031 (一泓清淺空明)》之銘言：
: 5. A gift (such as a camera, a soccer ball, or an animal) can contribute to a
: child's development. What gift would you give to help a child develop? Why?
: Being totally innocent, a child could be easily affected by the
: environment in which he absorbs the experience. Therefore, proper
: educational materials are important to help a child build his values. In
: terms of helping a child develop, I would like to choose a diary as a gift to
: a child.
you might want to state your argument why you think a diary is a good gift
for children to build their value without the influence of the environment.
also, the environment might have good influence too. how can a diary help?
: From my prospective, learning is based on watching, understanding and
: then presenting. To achieve the goals of learning efficiently, thinking
: deeply plays an important role in the whole process. In other words, without
: reflecting on the events of our lives, it is hardly to see things under skin
: deep. It is a good practice for a child to write down his thoughts and
: feelings of what happened. Through the process of writing, a child could not
: only rethink what would be the better solutions for those problems he has
: faced, but also develop his observation of details. In addition to the
: advantages mentioned above, it would be worthy to recording live events which
: the child may miss after growing up.
it appeared that you have several reasons for that but you pack all the
reasons in one paragraph. i would suggest that seperate the reasons into
different paragraphs and list more evidence to support your reasons.
ex. "it's hard to see things..." what do you mean by things? maybe you
can be more specfic, suc as with writing a child can make sense of the
world? or a child can reflect on what he has done right/wrong today and
so that he will avoid bad behavior?
: In conclusion, a diary is the best gift in my mind to a child who can be
: inspired. As keeping a diary, a child can learn how to manage his temper
: and plan his future life. For contributing to a child's development, a diary
: would be the top choice.
"a child who can be inspired" meaning there are children who can not be
inspired. so maybe you want to change that according to your original
intent. and how to manage his temper, planning future life are not
mentioned in the previous paragraph, so these become new materials, and
thus unclear to the reader. in the conclusion paragraph, you might
want to emphasize the reasons you have stated previously, insteand of
adding new information.
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◆ From: 128.205.231.174
※ 編輯: excrement 來自: 128.205.231.174 (02/27 02:34)
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02/27 21:04, , 1F
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