[日記] 慮病 輕度憂鬱
大概三年前 工作太忙太緊繃,有一天無意的去摸到喉結突出,從此是我慮病的開始,不
久之後發生恐慌症的症狀,實在沒辦法,辭去了工作,一直到現在都沒有一個穩定的收入
,中間都有去就醫,由於似乎是有輕度憂鬱的行為症狀,開始有服用抗憂鬱藥物,慮病的
程度大概是從頭到腳趾頭的重大病症都被我懷疑過了,中間陸陸續續有著Dr. Shopping(
逛醫院或診所)的行為,除了價格昂貴的自費檢查像是CT, MRI, 正子攝影(因為真的負
擔不起),幾乎所有的檢查都做過了,都是這個時期擔心一樣就檢查一樣,也發現其實我
是信任儀器不是信任醫生,幾乎每天都在上網查哪裡有檢查儀器的診所或是查病理症狀,
這樣一直反覆下去都覺得活著好累,常常都想一覺不醒。最近想找工作,又因為慮B肝(
昨天已去抽血)以及無意間發現這禮拜比上禮拜瘦了兩公斤(非自願體重減輕),而焦慮
憂鬱提不起勁,報了健身房也沒動力去運動,整日除了吃飯(也沒什麼食慾)洗澡,就是
躺在床上滑手機查資料,或是玩著其實很無聊但感覺可以緩解焦慮的遊戲。比起怕死,我
更怕疾病折磨身體的痛苦。
而且症狀即使前陣子剛發生過,現在又發生,我還是會很擔心憂慮。真的很想回到以前正
常的生活,不知道除了自己還有誰能幫幫我,我自己已經很無力了。
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