[外絮] Keyon Dooling - 逃離心魔
Keyon Dooling
不知道大家記不記得這個球員，以前曾在很多球隊擔任二號控球，
最近Dooling在Player Tribune上分享了他不堪回首的過去，剛好
最近在練習英文，就順手來翻譯一下。
文章有點長，還請大家耐心看完，有錯誤幫忙糾正，感謝。
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https://www.theplayerstribune.com/en-us/articles/keyon-dooling-the-ghost
Running from a Ghost
逃離心魔
Keyon Dooling
It was my second day in the mental institution, and I was suffering from
paranoid delusions and shivering in the fetal position. All of a sudden, the
nurse came into my room and told me that I had a visitor.
這是我在精神病院第二天所發生的事情，我被迫害妄想症折磨著並且像胎兒一樣捲曲著
發抖。突然，護士走進來告訴我說有我的訪客。
The guy walked in the room, and the look in his eyes said it all.
He wasn’t looking at me like, Keyon’s lost his damn mind.
He wasn’t looking at me like, Keyon’s a psychopath.
He was looking at me like, Keyon, what’s going on? What can I do to help, my
friend?
It was Doc Rivers.
I will remember that look for the rest of my life.
那人走進房間，他的眼神說明了一切
在他眼裡我並不是瘋了
在他眼裡我並不是神經病
他的眼神就像是 - 朋友，你怎麼了？我該怎麼幫你？
那人是老河
我會永遠記得他的眼神
When Doc heard that I had committed myself to the hospital, he flew up to
Boston to see me, all the way from his summer house in Florida, at the drop
of a hat. I can’t imagine what he must have thought, seeing me like that.
Doc asked me what was really going on. Just like he had asked me so many
times before. Just like my wife had been asking me. Just like everybody close
to me had been asking me.
He said, “Keyon, do you want to tell me something? What happened, son?”
I said, “I don’t know, Doc.”
I was lying, of course.
老河一知道我進了醫院，他毫不猶豫立刻從Florida飛到Boston來看我，我無法想像
他看到我這個樣子的時候是在想什麼。
他說：Keyon，你有什麼話想跟我說嗎？我能幫你什麼？
我說：我也不知道，Doc。
當然，我在說謊。
A week before, I had walked into Danny Ainge’s office and told him that I
was done with basketball. Out of the blue, just like that. Done.
It didn’t make any sense. We had just lost to Miami in seven games in the
2012 Eastern Conference finals. I had just signed a new $1.4 million
contract. We were a month away from training camp. I was in amazing shape, on
the outside at least. Inside, I was falling apart.
My two-year-old son K.J. was with me. I took him along, because he loved
coming to the gym with me. I remember holding him in my arms and telling
Danny that I was done. I was telling Danny a whole lot of other things, too.
Really paranoid, off-the-wall things. I was ranting about God and about the
darkness all around us. Eventually, Danny made a phone call. A couple minutes
later, two of my best friends on the team appeared in the doorway.
一週前，我走進Ainge的辦公室並告訴他我的籃球生涯結束了。很突然，但就結束了。
這很不尋常。我們才剛在2012東決激戰七場輸給熱火，我才剛簽了1.4m的新合約，我
們再一個月就要開始訓練營了。我的身型保持得很棒，至少外在看起來；但內在，我
完全崩潰了。
我帶著兩歲兒子KJ一起，因為他喜歡跟我一起進體育館。我記得我把他抱在懷裡，然
後跟安吉說著我玩完了。我還跟安吉說了很多其他事，一些非常偏執不尋常的話，我
一直怨天尤人。最後，安吉打了一通電話，兩分鐘後，兩個我在隊上最要好的隊友出
現在門邊。
It was Rajon Rondo and Avery Bradley. They were super calm, and they did
their best to get to me relax. Rajon took my son from me and told me they
were going to show him around the facility. Then Avery walked me out to his
car and told me he was going to drive me back home.
On the ride home, I started calling everybody in my phone — literally every
number from the top — and pleading with them to find God.
I was screaming, “We’ve got to come to the Lord!”
是Rondo跟AB。他們非常的冷靜，他們盡他們所能地幫助我放鬆。Rondo帶我兒子離開
並告訴我要帶他去看看設施。AB則帶我走向他的車，並告訴我要帶我回我家。
再回家的路上，我開始打給每個通訊錄上的人，從第一筆開始的每個號碼，然後請求
他們找出神。
“我們必須去見主”我大喊。
Everyone probably thought that I had lost my mind. Everyone except for Avery,
Rajon, Danny, Doc and my wife, Natosha. Sometimes a look says everything, you
know what I mean? Sometimes a look means more than words.
Avery, Rajon, Danny, Doc, my wife … they all gave me the same look. In their
eyes, I didn’t see judgement or fear. I only saw kindness and confusion.
They just wanted to help me, because they knew that something terrible must
have happened to the man they knew.
I will never forget that feeling of support. It saved my life. They kept
saying, “It’s gonna be O.K. Let’s just get you some help.”
A few days later, I checked myself into a mental institution in Boston. I was
put in a little room on the bottom floor — the area where they kept the most
severe cases. Outside the door, I could hear all these people screaming and
crying. I could feel the weight of suffering all around me. It was like a
horror movie.
每個人大概都覺得我瘋了。每個人，除了AB、Rondo、安吉、老河跟我老婆。有時候
一個眼神你就知道其他人在想什麼了，他們甚至不用說任何話我都知道。
AB、Rondo、安吉、老河、我老婆，他們都給我同樣的眼神。在他們眼裡我沒看到任
何批判跟害怕，我只看到仁慈跟困惑。他們只想幫我，因為他們知道這個他們都認識
的男人一定發生了什麼可怕的事。
我永遠不會忘記那個被幫助的感覺。他們救了我，他們持續的說“你會沒事的我會
幫你”
幾天後，我進入Boston的一家精神病院，我被安置在底層的一間房間，那是他們用來
安置最嚴重病情的區域。我可以聽到門外其他人在尖叫或是大哭；我可以感受到沉重
的痛苦圍繞著我，這就像恐怖片一樣。
A lot of this was a blur, almost like a bad dream, because I was having
paranoid delusions and hallucinations. But at one point I remember thinking
very clearly:
How in the world did you get here?
You.
You, who came from nothing.
You, who made it to the very top of your field.
The NBA star.
The American dream.
You are trapped in a nightmare. You are a caged animal now.
I broke down weeping, and I asked God to help me.
After a few hours, I convinced the nurses that I was well enough to be moved
up a few floors, to a nicer room with a window. I remember the next morning,
the sunlight was streaming in, and I huddled against the window so that I
could feel the warmth on my face. And I thought, At least I’m out of hell
now.
很多這些記憶都很模糊，就像噩夢一樣，因為我有迫害妄想與幻覺。但我記得有一瞬間
我非常清楚的想著：
是什麼讓你在這裡的？
你，
是那個從無到有的你，
達到自己領域的最高層級的你，
一個NBA球星，
一個美國夢，
你陷入了一個夢靨，你是一個被籠子困住的動物。
我哭爆了，然後我祈禱上帝幫助我。
過了幾個小時，我說服護士我好多了，可以搬到高一點的樓層，換個好一點有窗戶的房
間。我記得第二天早上陽光射入時，我擠在窗戶旁邊，就是為了讓我的臉可以感受到陽
光的溫暖。然後我想著，至少，我逃出地獄了。
Later that day, Doc came to see me, and I just decided that I’d finally had
enough. I’d run away from the ghosts for so long, and they finally caught up
to me in that room. I faced the truth, for the first time in my life.
Doc said, “Is there anything you want to talk about?”
I said, “Yes.”
“What’s going on, son?”
“Something bad happened to me when I was a kid. Real bad. I blocked it out.
And now it’s all coming back, Doc.”
當天晚一點後，老河就來看我了，而我決定是時候了，我一直持續在逃離心魔，而他們
最後還是在那房間裡抓住我。我必須面對現實了，我人生中第一次。
河：“你有什麼想要跟我聊聊嗎？”
我：“對。”
“發生什麼事了？”
“我小的時候發生了一件事，非常糟糕的事。我把這件事阻擋在我腦海外，而現在，他
又浮現在我的腦海裡”
I was seven years old. It was a real gloomy summer day in Ft. Lauderdale, and
I was on my way to the elementary school playground to shoot hoops with my
best friend. We were about halfway there when the clouds got dark. I had two
whole dollars on me. I was balling out that day. So we decided to go to the
corner store and get two sodas and wait for the rain to pass.
On our way back to the playground, it started really pouring. We were getting
soaked. Just as we were walking past some apartment buildings, this kid
shouted out to us from the window, “Hey, what you doing? Come outta the rain
and hang out in here for a while.”
I knew him. He was a friend of my older brother. He was about 14, and he
seemed cool. I mean, every older kid seems cool when you’re seven. So we
went inside the apartment, and we were chilling for a while. All the adults
were at work, so we were listening to hip-hop and going around in a circle
trying to freestyle.
當時我才七歲，那是一個夏日的陰天，而我跟我最好的朋友正在趕去國小球場投籃的路
上，我們走到一半的時候雲就開始變黑。我身上有兩塊錢，我很有錢，所以我們決定去
轉角喝兩杯汽水順便等雨停。
在我們回去球場的路上，雨整個開始狂下，我們都濕透了。正當我們走過一間公寓時，
一個小孩從窗戶叫住我們，“嘿，你們在幹嘛？別淋雨了，來我這邊玩一下！”
我認識他，他是我哥的朋友。他大概14歲，看起來酷酷的，當你只有七歲的時候只要比
你大的小孩看起來都很酷。所以我們走進公寓裡一起玩。當時所有的大人都在工作，所
以我們自己在家聽一些饒舌歌，然後圍在一起freestyle。
Then, all of a sudden, the older kid turned on the TV, and he started playing
a porn video. It didn’t freak me out because I had older brothers, and I had
seen their magazines and stuff. I was too young to really “get it,” but I
got it, you know what I mean?
When the scene got to the end, the older kid pointed to the screen and said,
“You know, I can do that too.”
He started making me and my friend touch him. And then he forced us to
perform oral sex on him. I didn’t know what to think or what was going on. I
was just confused, and angry. I was a kid.
When it was all over, I ran out the door and got out of there as fast as
possible. I didn’t even look behind me for my friend, because I was just too
scared. When I got home, I didn’t tell a soul what happened. I was too
embarrassed and ashamed. I just got in the shower and started crying. And I
kept crying and crying.
然後，突然，那位大哥哥轉開電視，他開始放一些A片。我覺得這沒什麼，因為我有一個
哥哥，我也看過他有A書與一些收藏。我當時還小，不覺得有什麼好看，但我知道那些東
西。
最後，這位大哥哥指著螢幕並且說：“你們知道嗎，這些我也會喔。”
他開始叫我跟我的朋友摸他，然後他強迫我們幫他口交。我根本不知道該想什麼或是發生
什麼事。我只是很困惑、很生氣。我還只是個小孩。
當事情結束時，我用最快的速度跑出他家，我太害怕了，甚至沒有回頭看我的朋友。當我
回到家時，我沒有告訴任何人發生了什麼事。我感到太尷尬太羞恥了。我只是衝去浴室，
然後開始哭，然後一直哭，一直哭。
I kept thinking, We just wanted to play basketball. Why did this happen?
I remember when I finally got out of the shower and I didn’t have any tears
left in me, I got dressed and went outside and I threw my bike down on the
grass. Back in the day, the handlebars were hollow and they had that thick
rubber grip protecting them. I cut open the rubber on the right handlebar so
I could hide something inside. My father was a florist, and he kept all kinds
of knives around the house. I took one of his small blades, and I slid it
inside the handlebar, then I covered the hole back up.
I got on my bike, and I went riding around the neighborhood.
On that day, something inside me changed.
I woke up that morning as the most happy-go-lucky kid in the world. Always
dancing, always playing hide-and-seek and freeze-tag in the neighborhood.
Always saying hello to everybody. Always smiling.
When I got on that bike with my knife, I locked away all my feelings deep
down inside. I told myself, at seven years old: You have to be tough. You
have to be so tough that nobody can ever hurt you.
我一直想著，我們只是要打籃球，為什麼會變成這樣？
我記得當我最後走出浴室時我把眼淚都哭乾了。我穿好衣服然後走出門，我把我的自行
車丟在草地上。當時候，車的把手都是空心的，上面有厚厚的塑膠保護著。我把右邊把
手的塑膠柄剪開以讓我可以藏東西進去。我爸爸是花店師傅，他在家裡四處都放著各種
刀子。我拿了其中一把小刀藏進了手把裡，再把洞蓋起來。
我騎上我的車，在附近繞來繞去。
那天，我心裡某個地方變了。
今天早上起床時本來還是世界上最快樂最幸運的小孩。總是在附近跳舞、玩躲貓貓跟紅
綠燈，總是跟大家打招呼，總是笑瞇瞇的。
但現在我騎上我裝有刀子的車時，我把我所有的感覺深深地鎖進心理。我告訴七歲的我
自己：你必須要很強悍，你必須強悍到沒有人可以傷害你。
After that day, I had a huge chip on my shoulder, and huge secret in my
heart. My childhood was effectively over.
By 10, I was drinking.
By 11, I was smoking weed.
By 12, my friends and I were riding around in stolen cars.
By 13, I was having sex with older girls in the neighborhood.
I was compensating for the anxiety and fear that I had to keep suppressed. I
channeled all my rage and anger into sports. I had to show everybody that I
was strong. That I was an alpha. That I was nobody to mess with.
I stayed locked inside my thoughts, so I got incredibly good at visualizing
my future. I would be at the park playing ball, and my dreams of being in the
NBA would be so vivid and real. It was how I would cope. Whenever my anxiety
would flair up and I would get a flash of that trauma, I would suppress it
with alcohol, or with women, or with competition.
For 25 years, I didn’t tell a soul what had happened to me. I went to the
University of Missouri. I went to the NBA. I married the girl I went to prom
with, and we had four children. And if you asked anybody in the league, they’
d all tell you the same thing: “Keyon Dooling is a stand-up guy.”
Then, in September 2012, right as I was about to begin my 13th year in the
NBA, I walked into a bathroom at a nice steakhouse in downtown Seattle, and I
saw a ghost.
那天過後，我一直懷恨在心，我心裡一直有個大秘密。我的童年切實地結束了。
10歲，我喝酒。
11歲，我抽大麻。
12歲，我跟我朋友開著偷來的車。
13歲，我跟附近大姊姊打炮。
我正在補償我壓抑的焦慮與恐懼。我把所有的怒氣轉而投向運動。我必須讓每個人都知
道我很強壯，我是老大，我是沒有可以惹的起的。
我一直把自己鎖在思緒中，所以我變得非常善於想象我的未來。我會在公園打球，而我
進入NBA的夢想變得鮮明與生動。這就是我的應對方式。每當我的焦慮加劇我會有一瞬間
感到創傷，我會壓抑他，透過酒精，透過女人，透過競爭。
25年來，我不曾告訴任何人發生了什麼事情。我進了密蘇里大學，進了NBA，我娶了跟我
去舞會的女孩，而我們生了四個小孩。而當你問任何在聯盟裡的人，他們會異口同聲的
說：“Keyon Dooling是一個正直的人。”
而在2012年的9月，正當我開始我第13年的NBA之旅，我走進了西雅圖一家牛排店的廁所，
我看見我的心魔了。
I had just finished the prime rib. We were waiting on dessert, so I excused
myself to go to the restroom. I was in town with Avery Bradley to help out
with one of his charity initiatives, and we had just helped to feed 500 needy
families in the area. We decided to go out to dinner with some of the
sponsors that night, and we were enjoying ourselves.
When I walked into the bathroom, this older guy was at the urinal, and he was
clearly drunk. He was peeing everywhere. So I slid right past him into one of
the open stalls. I left the door open.
As I’m doing my thing, I felt a hand grab my butt, out of nowhere.
I turned around, and it was the drunk guy. I felt my heart drop.
I zipped up my pants and turned to face him, and I almost snapped. I held out
my hands an inch away from his face, and I said, “Hey man, do you know I
could kill you right now, with my bare hands? Do you?”
He just laughed.
And then I said something that I had probably been waiting to say for 25
years: “What is it that you see in me that you would do that to me? Who do
you think you are, that you would do that to me?”
He tried to joke his way out of it. I turned around and walked out. When I
got back to the table, my heart felt like it was going to explode. I told
everybody what had happened. They didn’t believe me at first, and even when
they did believe me, they weren’t really taking it seriously.
我才剛吃完一個上等的肋排，正在等甜點送來。我起身去了洗手間。我跟AB一起來的，
是為了他的一個慈善活動，我們幫助了當地將近五百個家庭，所以我們決定跟一些贊助
者一起去吃晚餐，而我們都很開心。
當我走進洗手間時，有一個大叔在小便池，他完全喝醉了，在到處亂尿。所以我從他旁
邊溜過，走進一個隔間而沒有把門帶上。
當我在尿尿時，我感覺到他抓我的屁股，我感覺到我的心臟要掉出來了。
我拉起我的褲子然後轉向他，我幾乎揍了他。我的手只離他的臉一寸，然後我說：“先
生，你知道我現在就可以徒手殺了你嗎？你知道嗎？”
他就只是一直笑。
然後我說了一些我可能已經等了25年要說的話：“你在我身上看到了什麼才讓你這樣對
我？你以為你是誰可以讓你這樣對我？”
他試著開玩笑的說出來，我轉身走了出去。當我回到座位上時，我的心臟感覺要爆炸了。
我告訴每個人剛剛發生的事情。他們一開始還不相信，而甚至最後他們相信後，他們也
沒覺得很嚴重。
I grew up watching The Incredible Hulk. In that moment, I felt like Lou
Ferrigno. You know when Lou was about turn into the hulk, you’d hear that
heavy heartbeat pumping?
Doon-doon. Doon-doon. Doon-doon.
And his form would start to change.
That was me. I was about to explode.
So I tried to laugh it off, like, “O.K. guys, phew, man … I need that crè
me brûlée and a glass of red wine right now, because I need to calm down.”
The sponsors laughed. But I felt it building: Doon-doon. Doon-doon.
My heart was pounding. I excused myself from the table and went outside to
get some air. Just as I walked out of the restaurant, I saw the drunk guy
standing there … and I went into a blackout rage. I grabbed him by the
throat, and I could feel his windpipe in the palm of my hands. Part of me
wanted to kill him right there.
Thank God, one of my friends had followed me outside and pulled me off the
guy before I did any damage, and he got me to calm down.
我是看著浩克長大的。在當下，我覺得自己像Lou Ferrigno，你知道當Lou要變成浩克
時，你會聽到很重的心跳聲。
碰碰- 碰碰- 碰碰-
而他的外型會開始改變。
這就是那時的我，我感覺要爆炸了。
所以我試著笑笑帶過，像是，“OK，夥計們，我需要一個烤布蕾跟一杯紅酒，因為我
要冷靜一下。”
贊助商們都笑了起來，但我感覺整個建築一起：碰碰- 碰碰- 碰碰-
我的心臟在劇烈的跳動。我起身離開桌子走出去透透氣。當我走出餐廳時，我又看到那
個醉漢站，而我又進入了黑暗的憤怒。我掐住他的喉嚨，我的手掌可以感受到他的氣管
。當時有一部分的我想要就地殺掉他。
感謝上帝，我的一個朋友跟著我一起出來，他在我還沒做任何毀滅時把我拉住，並讓我
冷靜下來。
When I got back to my hotel room that night, it was like the walls were
closing in on me. My heart wouldn’t slow down. My chest was tight. When I
tried to go to sleep, I started having these flashes in my mind. Dark
memories.
The rainy summer day. The elementary school playground. The two sodas. The
apartment. The porno. The older kid. The knife in my handlebars. The shame.
The pain.
We just wanted to play basketball.
當晚，當我回到旅館時，我感覺四周的牆壁不斷的向我靠近。我的心跳沒有慢下來，
我的胸口非常的緊。當我試著睡覺，我開始有些記憶閃過我的腦海 - 黑暗的記憶。
那個夏日的雨天、國小的球場、兩杯汽水、公寓、A片、大哥哥、把手裡的小刀、羞
恥、疼痛。
我們只是想要打籃球。
Then it got even worse.
All these images started flooding my mind, and I couldn’t tune them out. I
had this horrible, crushing anxiety wash over me.
I called my mom. I called my wife. We prayed together over the phone. But the
feeling wouldn’t go away. Even when I got back home to Boston, I was a
complete mess. I became paranoid. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. It felt
like there was some kind of danger right around the corner, and it was making
me sick.
You know what it felt like?
It felt like my every waking moment was a low-shot-clock situation.
Every basketball player knows the exact feeling of anxiety that I’m talking
about. It was like the clock kept resetting every seven seconds, and I had
the ball in my hands, and it was always ticking down to zero, again and again
and again.
The worst part was that I could see the fear in my children’s eyes. They
knew something was wrong with Daddy, and it was bad.
最後它變得更糟了。
所有畫面開始淹沒我的腦海，我無法不想它們，可怕，令人沮喪的焦慮感刷洗著我。
我打給我媽。我打給我老婆。我們透過電話一起祈禱。但這些感覺沒有離開。即使我回
到Boston後，我還是一團糟。我變的多疑，我無法吃東西，無法睡覺。這感覺就像有四
周都存在著危險，這讓我感到噁心。
你知道這感覺像什麼嗎？
這感覺就像我每一步都像是處在一個計時倒數的情況。
每個籃球員都知道我所說的這種焦慮感。這就像計時器一直在7秒倒數，而球又在我手上
，然後時間倒數到0，接者再不斷的重複。( 應該是說準備時間快到準備拆彈的焦慮感 )
最糟糕的部分是，我可以看到我小孩眼神中的恐懼。他們知道爸爸發生了什麼的事，不好
的事。
There was no relief. I genuinely felt like I was going die at any moment. The
thought of playing basketball, on top of all this, was too much to bear. So
that’s when I grabbed my son and drove over to tell Danny Ainge that I was
done.
Then I started ranting and raving.
And you know what’s so interesting? You know what most people don’t realize?
They all had my back.
Danny looked at me with kindness. Rajon and Avery looked at me with kindness.
The whole Celtics organization looked at me with kindness.
I still hadn’t told a soul what had triggered everything. Some part of me
was still too worried about what people would think of me. I guess I was
afraid that they would perceive me as weak, or damaged, or somehow at fault
for what had happened to me in that apartment when I was seven years old.
沒有任何解脫。我真的隨時都覺得自己要死了。除此之外，打籃球的想法實在太難以
承受了。所以我當時才抓著我兒子衝去找安吉，跟他說我玩完了。
然後我開始咆嘯跟胡言亂語。
而你知道有趣的是什麼嗎？你知道人們都沒有注意到什麼？
他們都在背後支持我。
安吉仁慈的對待我。Rondo跟AB仁慈的對待我。整個Celtics組織都仁慈的對待我。
我仍然沒有告訴任何人是什麼事情造成這些。一部分的我還是會擔心人們會怎麼看我，
我猜我害怕他們覺得我膽小、毀掉或因為我七歲時在公寓裡的事情而覺得我失敗。
But the Celtics never stopped being loyal to me. They were unbelievable. They
kept things quiet and let me get some help on my own terms. And honestly,
getting help saved my life. Doc and Danny arranged for me to see some of the
best specialists in the country, and that’s when I finally made it to
Harvard. Maybe it wasn’t under the circumstances I expected, but I did it.
When I walked into Dr. Timothy Benson’s office at Harvard Medical School, I
thought to myself, We did it, dad. We made it to the Ivy league.
Dr. Benson changed my life. That’s where the healing truly began for me,
because he explained to me that there was a name for the feeling that I was
dealing with. I was actually experiencing post-traumatic stress disorder
stemming from my childhood.
As hoopers, we never have time to process. We always have to keep moving on —
to the next shot, to the next quarter, to the next city, to the next game. I
spent 25 years of my life without a rearview mirror. I used alcohol and women
and hoops to suppress all my emotions. But when I walked into that bathroom
in Seattle, that was the trigger. Everything came rushing back.
I am not a unique case. But unfortunately, mental health and sexual abuse are
still taboo subjects in my world. Not just in the NBA, but in the African
American community as a whole. If you grew up in this community, you already
know the words used whenever the topic is brought up …
“Head doctor.”
“Shrink.”
“I ain’t crazy!”
“I ain’t soft!”
但Celtics從來沒有停止對我的忠誠。他們是難以置信的。他們保持事情安靜，並讓我用
自己的方式得到一些幫助。說真的，這些幫助拯救了我的人生。老河跟安吉安排我去看
了這個國家最優秀的專家們，那就是我最後進入了哈佛。也許這不是我預期的情形，但
我做到了。當我走進哈佛醫學院Timothy Benson博士的辦公室時，我心想，我們做到了，
爸爸。我們把它帶到了常春藤聯盟。
Benson博士改變了我的人生。在這裡我開始真正的被治癒，因為他向我解釋我正在處理
的病有個名字。我實際上正在經歷創傷後的壓力失調，這源自我的童年。
作為一個球員，我們從沒有時間去處理。我們必須不斷的前進 - 下一個投籃，下一節，
下一個城市，下一場比賽。我過了25年沒有照後鏡的日子。我用酒精、女人與籃球壓抑
所有的情緒。但當我走進西雅圖的那間廁所，那是觸發器，全部都沖了回來。
我不是一個獨特的案例。但不幸的是，精神健康和性虐待仍然我世界裡的禁忌話題，不
僅僅在NBA，更在整個非裔美國人社區。如果你在這種社區長大，你就已經知道每當提出
這種話題時使用的詞彙…
“主治醫生。”
“精神病醫生。”
“我沒有瘋！”
“我不軟弱！”
When we have diabetes, we go get treated. When we tear our ACL, we go get
surgery. But if our heart is broken, or if our soul is hurting, what do we do?
We just internalize it. We become hard. We spend our whole lives running from
the ghost. Until one day, it catches up to us. And I can speak from personal
experience that all the alcohol and all the women and all the money in the
world will not solve the problem.
The only way to finally escape is to stop running and turn around and face
the ghost.
If you are reading this right now and you have been suppressing a similar
kind of trauma, I beg you to reach out and get professional help. When I was
locked away in the bottom floor of the psych ward like a caged animal, I
cried out to God to help me. And I most certainly have to thank God for
helping me get through my pain. For helping me overcome the trauma. For
helping me become a better man. But I also have to thank Doc, Danny, Rajon,
Avery, Dr. Benson, and of course, my wife. They looked at me with compassion
and love when I needed it most. They didn’t see a “crazy” person. They saw
a friend in need.
I can say it now, after years of therapy and self-reflection and work: I was
sexually assaulted as a child. It did not define me as a person. It did not
hold me back from reaching my dreams or from raising four amazing children.
If you are hurting, get some help.
I’ll say it again
If you are hurting, get some help.
You can call out to God. But your second call should be the doctor.
當我們得到糖尿病時，我們得到治療；當我們撕裂ACL時候，我們去做手術；但是如果
我們心碎了，或是我們的靈魂受傷了，我們會怎麼做？
我們只是內化它。我們變得很困難。我們一生都在逃離心魔，直到有一天，它追上我們
。我可以從個人經驗告訴你，所有的酒、女人、錢都不能幫你解決問題。
唯一能幫助你逃脫的只有停止逃跑並且轉過去面對心魔。
如果你正在讀這篇文章並且也在壓抑類似的創傷，我請求你伸出手並且得到專業的幫助
。當我被關在精神病院的底層就像寵物被關在籠子裡的時候，我哭求上帝的幫助。而我
當然也要感謝上帝幫助我度過痛苦；幫助我克服創傷；幫助我變成一個更好的人。但我
也需要感謝老河、安吉、Rondo、AB、Benson醫生以及我太太。當我最需要他們的時候，
他們用慈悲與愛心看待我。他們沒當我是一個瘋子，而是把我看作是需要幫助的朋友。
經過多年的治療、自我反思與工作，我現在可以說：我小時候遭到性侵。這並不能定義
我成怎樣的人。它並沒有阻止我實現我的夢想，也沒有阻止我撫養四個優秀的孩子。
如果你受傷了，去獲取一些幫助。
我再說一遍。
如果你受傷了，去獲取一些幫助。
你可以向上帝禱告。但你接下來應該打給醫生。
- Keyon Dooling
--
※ 發信站: 批踢踢實業坊(ptt.cc), 來自: 111.250.94.92
※ 文章網址: https://www.ptt.cc/bbs/NBA/M.1525375622.A.20D.html
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