[Talk] That's Your Horoscope for Today
Aquarius
There's travel in your future when your tongue freezes to the back
of a speeding bus
Fill that void in your pathetic life by playing Whack-A-Mole
seventeen hours a day
Pisces
Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the Ebola virus
You are the true Lord of the Dance, no matter what those idiots at
work say
Aries
The look on your face will be priceless when you find that forty
pound watermelon in your colon
Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf, then give a hickey to
Meryl Streep
Taurus
You will never find true happiness - what you gonna do, cry about
it?
The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up, do a bunch of stuff,
and then go back to sleep
That's your horoscope for today-yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today-yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
That's your horoscope for today
Gemini
Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive
flatulence
Your love life will run into trouble when your fiance hurls a
javelin through your chest
Cancer
The position of Jupiter says you should spend the rest of the week
face down in the mud
Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while taking
your driver's test
Leo
Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and staple it to
your boss's
face, oh no
Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding, then wash it down with a
gallon of strawberry Quik
Virgo
All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent - except for you
Expect a big surprise today when you wind up with your head
impaled upon a stake
That's your horoscope for today-yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today-yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
That's your horoscope for today
Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit
unlikely that the
relative position of the planets and the stars could have a
special deep
significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but
let me give
you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all
based on solid,
scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind
of moron not
to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.
Where was I?
Libra
A big promotion is just around the corner for someone much more
talented than you
Laughter is the very best medicine, remember that when your
appendix bursts
next week
Scorpio
Get ready for an unexpected trip when you fall screaming from an
open window
Work a little bit harder on improving your low self-esteem, you
stupid freak
Sagittarius
All your friends are laughing behind your back (kill them)
Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine you've got
hanging in your den
Capricorn
The stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful person, but
you know they're lying
If I were you, I’d lock my doors and windows and never never
never never never leave my house again
That's your horoscope for today-yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today-yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today-yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today-yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
That's your horoscope for today
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