[Mind] Secrets to a Successful Marriage
Great Traity That Grate
One of the first questions I ask couples when they come in for
marriage coaching is, "What first attracted you to each other?"
Typical responses are that it was the other person's looks or
sense of humor. Once we get past the superficial attractions, what
usually comes up is a complementary characteristic, something that
might be missing in oneself. We seem to be drawn to a sense of
completion.
While this can paint a nice picture of teamwork, the process
eventually begins to break down. Inevitably, what happens is that
things that were once attractive become the same things that cause
irritation down the line. The physical affection that was once so
attractive is now smothering. What was once a wonderful sense of
humor is now seen as an inability to take things seriously.
Let's take for example a fictional couple we'll call Joe and Mary.
Mary was attracted to Joe's leadership and planning abilities. Joe
was attracted to Mary's spontaneity and vision for the future. Now
in business together, they have wonderfully complementary skills:
Mary's ability to dream and create is coupled with Joe's practical
skills. However, Joe sees Mary as a dreamer who never follows
through. And Mary sees Joe as a cynic who nags her.
How to- appreciate each other
For a couple to be a productive team, the differences need to be
appreciated. This can be accomplished through the following steps:
* Simply appreciating and honoring the differences.
* Understanding the differences as a matter of style and not a
matter of right and wrong.
* "Trying on" the other person's style, to see what there might be
to learn.
* Understanding they are not in competition with each other; that
they are on the same team.
Expert Advice on Keeping a Marriage Going
Author and marriage counselor Emerson E. Eggerichs has important
messages for spouses:
Wives are made to love, want to love, expect love, but many
husbands fail to deliver. Husbands are made to be respected, want
respect, expect respect, but many wives fail to deliver.
Eggerichs, 56, has written about these points in his book, Love &
Respect.
The Bee recently talked with Eggerichs about his thoughts on love
and his advice for couples to better understand each other. Here's
what he had to say.
Q: Where did you grow up, and who or what influenced you the most?
A: I grew up in Illinois till [the age of] 13. I was influenced,
marriage-wise, by my mom and dad. They divorced when I was i. Then
they remarried, which I am grateful for. Then they separated for
four to five years. Then they came back together. I remember Mom
and Dad mainly didn't live together—and I wet the bed for years,
crying myself to sleep.
Q: So how did that experience influence you?
A: I was influenced by my own wounded-ness and brokenness; I
understand children crying themselves to sleep.
Q: Who exactly is Emerson E. Eggerichs?
A: My wife [Sarah] and I are one beggar to the other beggar,
asking, "Where is the bread?" People see our transparency and our
personal needs. We've been able to say things in such a way ...
One person thought we knew him so well that he said, "You've been
living in my home. It's against the law to have surveillance
cameras in a home."
Q: What is at the heart of your message?
A: We believe a wife needs to be loved by her husband. We believe
a husband needs to be respected by his wife. There's controversy
because the wife says, "Don't I need respect?"
Q: What is the secret for your marriage? [The Eggerichses will
celebrate their 35th wedding anniversary September 3.]
A: The secret, or the novelty, is unconditional respect for the
spirit of the man and unconditional respect for the spirit of the
woman. For wives, there's a way to show respect even when a man
doesn't deserve it.,.
Q: How do you define love?
A: We talk about an "energizing cycle"—how two people can
positively motivate one another by doing one simple thing. His
love motives her respect; her respect defines his love.
Q: What's the first step people can take to restore, strengthen or
improve their marriage?
A: They can start by understanding they are married to a
good-willed person even though he or she is failing them. When a
wife feels unloved, she acts in [dis] respectful ways— and it
[irritates] him. When a husband feels disrespected, he creates a
stone wall. He closes off because she doesn't feel respect toward
him.
Q: And what do you do when you slip up?
A: Say you made a mistake. Going back and seeking forgiveness is
fundamental. None will do it perfectly, but we can rebound.
Apologize for moments of imperfection.
Thing to remember
*Even though feeling disrespected, pull back from being unloving
toward her.
*Even though feeling unloved, pull back from being disrespectful
toward him.
*When she is being critical or angry, she is crying out for your
love; her intent is not to be disrespectful.
*When he is being harsh, or stonewalling you, he is crying out for
respect; his intent is not to be unloving.
*If you defend your lack of love, she will feel unloved.
*If you defend your lack of respect, he will feel disrespected.
*When you feel disrespected, you tend to react in unloving ways
and don't see it.
*When you feel unloved, you tend to react disrespectfully and
don't see it.
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