[請益] 作文修改
不好意思打擾了
原文如下
My name is Austin a sophomore in 東山 senior high school. When I heard that
my senior XRay said what HOBY camp like is, I was so excited. My father is
the role model for being a good leader. Since HOBY could enhance my ability
of administration, I really want to join the big community.
The reason why I want to join is that first, I want to learn how to
administer everyone effective, I have to learn this capability. I also want
to know how to handle the leader’s problem, especially when the troublemaker
is your relative or close friend. What can I do? Do I have to learn how to be
a double face? I thank I can find the answer in HOBY camp. Second, I am a
class leader now. I have to translate the teacher’s talk that he is showing
consideration for us instead of giving us a rap on the knuckles. Last, XRay
is my close senior. We did not meet before though. The bridge between he and
I is that we were in debate club.
修改後如下
My name is Austin, a second year high school student studying in Dongshan.
Hearing my senior Xray saying how educative Hoby is, I
was all exhilarated. My father is my role model for being a good
leader. Since HOBY helps sharpen my administrative
competence, I yearn to join this big community.
I aspire to join such a meaningful activity, because I want to learn how to
manage people more effectively, as well as how to handle the problem a leader
may encounter while supervising a group of people. Especially when the
troublemaker is your relative or close friend, things get tricky. Once the
problem as such comes up, what can I do? Should I learn to play double-faced,
treating my classmates in one way and my teacher in another? I look forward
to the answer in Hoby. Second, as a class leader, from time to time
I have to relate my teacher’s words to my classmates, explaining to them
that most of the time, instead of giving them a hard time, he is showing
great concern for his students. (One time, for example, he told us...)
Last, Xray is my close senior. We did not meet much before;
however, the connection between us is that we were both in debate club.
(elaborate more on your third point)
文章是朋友的男友幫忙修改的
括號部分為他認為可以加強的地方
請問大家他這樣改通順嗎
感謝
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12/12 15:06, , 1F
12/12 15:06, 1F