[心情] 我而立之年的願望

看板CS_TEACHER作者maximus1523 (麥西幕士)時間12年前 (2011/08/07 12:19)推噓10(10推 0噓 10→)

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Today, the second day I officially turned into 30, a strong urge compels me to do something to make the event distinguishable, if not unique. The “something” to me ought to be queer and exclusive enough so that it may give itself a transparent self-identification with a big and splendid mark “Frank” on it. But what form will fulfill my haughty ambition? What forms of the celebration of my the 30 year-old boarder would stay permanent, and would perhaps last longer enough even after my own perishing. However, it would be most painful to me, if my ambition is mistaken for a immortal dream, for, I am well aware that in front of the universe and time, how insignificant my psychic and physical existence---try as I may--- really are. Then, to my concern, how should I memorize the peculiar day, which naturally gives rise to another question, what am I actually good at? Unlike those talented who could substantiate themselves through the manifestation of beauty or arts, I know vitually none to present myself and proclaim out loud “THIS IS I AND MY SOUL”. Subsequently, the urge because of my knowing no arts then became a panic as I have not one expertise into which I could intill my soul, and the expertise will quite remain unchanged, meaningful or even inspirational to those to come in the future. In short, my being in the world could then possibly be the gathering and vanquishing of a vapor, leaving almost no proof of my coming and enduring, and that scared the hell out of me As it gradually turns out, the horror boils my blood and sears my flesh inward, I simply can’t tolerate my inability to cope with the predicament, so I initate some steps, hoping to turn my situation around. Then, as an English teacher, what could be possibly more suitable than writing? So the craft of words begin to be what I expect to both satisfy my ego and fulfill my need to be remembered and unique. However, the more I attempt to carve my life with words, the more humble and awed I become to this unfathomable art, because the mastery of the art simply requires further more than a mere impulse and fantasy of mine in being mentioned equally among some of the finest novelists in histrory like Hemingway, Remarque, and Owell, etc. To me the art is valuble only when a commensurate ratio between time, actual life experience, ingenuity, and a bit sense of romantic are sufficiently given together, and I know in my heart that I am telling lies if I say at the age of 30, I have already accumulated what it takes to be ranked as one of the finest writer in the world. My literary fantasy reflects not only my immaturity, but my ignorance of just how immense the world of literature really is. In the early satge of my profession, the initiation is really a financially driven one, and idealism has nothing to do with it at all. Honestly, I was uncertain of my future, and puzzled with vaious possiblities displaying themselves so alluringly before me. Anyway, it was in the process that I found teaching bearing an unexpected impact on me, because it was the first time I learnt how influential I can exert my ability to a perfect stranger in a perfectly strange classroom. By being influential, I don’t mean how efficiently how may contribute to these’ academic success; nor my desperately squeezing hypocritical small-talks to fulfill the awkardness; not least how I may bring laughter and entertainmment to please my customers by the help of some ready-made resources easily attainable and accessible online. These may appear to particularily those outsiders of my classroom a fashinable way to earn a living out of a traditioanlly strict and usually boring work, teaching. I don’t deny the fact that many of my students and I both are both delighted with the quest for truth, however, if one concludes dogmatically that the preparation of my teaching is as much enjoyable as its outcome, then I will be one of the most successful prestidigitator in history. No, no, no, that’s so not the why teaching should be the mark of my being 30 year-old. In short, the 30-year old boarder should represent my struggling between striving for life and an abandon of faith, and it couldn’t and shouldn’t be framed with a momentary definition, it, on the contrary should be deemed as a continuity whose sole focus and dedication is to burn meaningfully to its very end. In my case, it would be a romance to wither one day when giving lectures in class or in the process of the preparation. -- ※ 發信站: 批踢踢實業坊(ptt.cc) ◆ From: 211.20.146.172

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