[心情] 我不敢想像的婚姻生活及補教工作
我三十歲；為什麼我還不結婚。
I have a girlfriend whom I have dated with for 8 years,
and when the inevitable in life comes,
she is the girl I am prepared to throw away my life
just to ensure her safety. In a clich? fashion of speaking,
this is how much I think I am in love with her.
我有一位交往了八年的女朋友；
一位當危難來臨時，即使投注我僅有的生命也要保全她的女朋友；
以通俗的比喻，我便是那麼愛她的。
So, it naturally bears a dilemma to me,
namely, how come, when approaching 30,
I haven't asked her to marry me?
The topic is so profound and serious that no matter
how elusively I try to delay my being confronted by it,
like the once-in-life chicken pox?
I simply couldn't stop it from raising.
那，便是如此，為什麼我還不步入婚姻呢?
這樣深刻、嚴肅的人生命題 -
不管我多含糊、閃爍地想在時間的不可逆回性中極大化它的張力、
抓住它的逝去- 就像一輩子都得出一次的疹子一樣，
我也不得不的雙眼正視它了…
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What I have experienced, been denied, and frustrated by life
in the past few years thoroughly shakes
the core value which I used to anticipate from a marriage, namely, love.
In real life, I am constantly bombarded everywhere by an invisible
banner shouting with a justified casue "bread over love".
So there embarks my struggling in the void fantasy of the
speedy accumulation of material goods with such a strong conviction
that the fashionable version of love, which bases its ground on capitalism,
would grantee a thriving and bright of my love to me.
過去四五年的恍若隔世的成長經驗，
逐漸使我從根本上動搖了對於愛的信念。
"光有愛是不夠的，多掙點錢吧"之類的警語不斷的在我的我的人生週遭轟炸著我。
我開始掙扎於物質積累的空想中，堅信著這個以資本主義為其立論基礎的邏輯，
必然可以成就我的愛。
Somehow, I started to pragmatically calculate every penny I spend
just to make sure that it is extracted to its maximum value,
and I also straitened my life with the minimum cost both financially
and mentally just enough to keep me alive.
I also picture euphorically that how what I saved through
the stoic sacrifice could give me a lift out of the muddy bottom of
the predicament, and get married to the woman I am so deeply in love with.
Except I forgot to take my status quo into consideration;
I mean, an almost middle-age man in his cram class
instilling the idealism about how books benefit us;
how important staying hungry for the knowledge saves us from ignorance.
The naivety of my idealism itself is so fragile that it could easily
vanish because of the slightest turbulation in life,
let alone mentioning that how unlikely my timid way of
investing saving could even afford one fourth the price of an engagement ring.
I, watching the summer sky, helplessly numb.
於是，我務實的盤算著、拮据著、清苦著我那不成人樣的人生，
天真以為這樣苦行的終點是救贖，而沒考慮到其實我也不過是個過期的熱血中年；
在朝不保夕的補習課堂上揮灑著連我都開始起疑的理想主義；
加之，在我那小家碧玉似的攢錢方式畢竟是連婚戒的零頭都負擔不起的窘況下，
我凝望著受夏風吹拂的稻田，靜默無語...
What about the girl I love;
If a girl obtained her degree and position in practicing
what she has always dreamd of doing, teaching
after so much struggling in academic
purgotories and so many tests in her character,
wouldn't it only be fair for
her to receive some smiles from the fortune godness?
My assumption couldn't be wrong enough.
那她呢? 她該比我好些吧；我是說以一位堂堂國立大學研究所畢業的高材生，
穩重大方的談吐及外表理應是該受眷顧於些許命運對於理想追求的青睞吧?
我錯的離譜…
She is a substitute teacher, which is a nonnegotiable fact
which means she first has to be there scrutinized and judged
irresponsibly by people in charge of the registering affair,
who I believe deem the registering process as the catwalk show to
brag how lucky they are; next she will be thrown onto
the intellectual coliseum where she has to face opponents
borne by the most myterious and indigenuos tests.
Personally, I think to simply read and understand the questions
on the tests is as hard as the reading of
A la recherche du temps perdu I: Du cote de chez Swann.
她是一位代理教師，是的，沒錯，這意味著，
先是年復一年的她必須在教師甄試報名的第一站，
像是過季商品般的受到甄選人員輕蔑的品頭論足；
下一站，那些玄妙虛渺，似是蘊含這宇宙間所有智慧的試題及其所帶來的
(跟看懂追憶逝水年華沒兩樣的)試煉不斷週而復始它對奧林帕斯山下的我們的嘲笑。
As a learnt intellectual, what I can possibly comfort myself with
is an inextricable pride rooted in my character,
but when faced with the unpredictable future,
I then feel the agony buring inside me;
the agony questions me; asking exactly how much passion is left
in me when I had once sworn with my degree and knowledge
that I would change the world?
讀書人; 或自詡讀書人為的我們只能一方面的自持以清高無欲來告誡自己，
一方面，心底的卻又對於那茫如大海的人生著落感到焦急。
我們那立了志向要改變世界的熱情究竟還騰下多少? 我不禁要問自己。
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We are prostituting our education
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我的母親，我的困境對她而言那更比肉體上更是加了倍的精神折磨。
因為她必須親眼看著自己骨肉的掙扎，卻又束手無策。
前些年我和母親好不容易取得了低收入戶的証明，
又從我的生父手上取得那望穿秋水的離婚證明。
這原對母親而言好不容易是稍獲得些許喘息的間隙，多舛的命運，
又使得政府停止發放給母親本已是杯水車薪的的殘障津貼。
喔，母親阿，原來親情上的曲折，愛情裡的糾葛原來在現實面前是如此無足輕重。
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雷馬克在給西線無戰事的序寫道:
"這本書不是控訴，也不是懺悔，更不是奇說，
因為在那些挺身面對死亡的人中，死並不是奇事。
它僅僅是訴說著有一代青年，雖然躲過了砲彈，
可卻也被這場戰爭所毀滅。"
I adore the characters in the preface, because these young people
are bestowed with a clear posture and purpose, with which they know
where they are heading to
我對這段話裡的被毀滅的角色是抱以欽羨的，
因為那些有姿態，有戰鬥目的的人們至少知道他們的目的地在那；
I, otherwise, don't.
我卻沒有。
--
※ 發信站: 批踢踢實業坊(ptt.cc)
◆ From: 211.20.146.172
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※ 編輯: maximus1523 來自: 211.20.146.172 (06/16 15:32)
※ 編輯: maximus1523 來自: 211.20.146.172 (06/16 15:42)
※ 編輯: maximus1523 來自: 114.33.116.172 (06/16 22:29)
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