[分享] Should you make the first move?(翻譯)

看板CATCH作者shunn (Dana)時間9年前 (2014/09/03 11:15)推噓27(27推 0噓 12→)

留言39則, 21人參與討論串1/1

原文來自Matthew Hussey-Get the Guy電子報網站好讀版：http://wp.me/p4C58v-7R 若想用email收到新文章通知，在網站的下方填入email就可以訂閱囉:) 記得訂閱之後去信箱收取訂閱確認信按下確定才會有效訂閱這篇我就不註解了，相關主題可以看以下幾篇： - 妳要等待還是創造？http://wp.me/p4C58v-7 - 人際創造者：成為社交中心 http://wp.me/p4C58v-e - 關於女生主動的秘密 http://wp.me/P4C58v-6p Hey, Pop quiz: 嗨，給妳個即興測驗: You’re sitting in a café, enjoying your caramel macchiato and catching up on email when you see a handsome man at the table next to you who you’d really like to meet. 妳坐在咖啡店內，享受著妳的焦糖卡布奇諾，並且正在閱讀妳的email們，然後妳看到一個妳的菜的帥哥坐在妳旁邊。 Do you: 妳會： A. Wait for him to notice you. If he’s interested, he’ll approach you. 等他注意到妳，如果他喜歡妳，他就會採取第一步行動。 B. Jot down your phone number and “Call me, sexy” on a Splenda packet and toss it on his table. (Don’t forget to smile and wink!) 快速地在Splenda糖包上寫下妳的電話號碼，上面寫著「有空打給我，你好帥」然後丟到他的桌上。（別忘記送他一個笑容跟媚眼） C. None of the above. 以上皆非。 The correct answer is C. To learn why – and exactly what you SHOULD do when you’re interested in a guy. 正確的答案是C，想知道為什麼嗎？還有當妳遇到妳喜歡的對象的時候到底應該怎麼做？ ********************************************************** Four Stupid Reasons Women Are Told They Can’t Approach Guys 這四個原因是女人一直以來被教導不能自己先接近男生的理由，四個都夠愚蠢。 How many times have you heard dating advice tell you: “It’s his job to pursue you. A woman must never make the first move.” 妳聽過多少次「你要讓男生來追求妳，女生永遠都不該主動」這句話了？ Notice how in this quote the second sentence doesn’t follow from the first. Even if the first part was right, that it is a guy’s job to pursue a woman, would it follow from this that a woman can never make the initial approach? No! 注意到第二句話跟第一句話不合邏輯的地方，如果第一句話是對的，第二句一定成立嗎？如果追求是男生的工作，女生就不能先做出行動嗎？才怪！ Because just starting a conversation does not automatically make you the pursuer. 因為只是主動開啟話題，並不代表妳就成為了追求者。 Starting the conversation is a tiny, tiny part of an interaction, and is generally the most meaningless part. It’s the opener. Put it this way: do you remember the first words you spoke to your best friends when you met them? Did that first sentence define your entire future relationship dynamic? 主動跟別人講話，只是互動的其中小小的一部份而已，甚至，是最沒有任何意圖的一步。但是可以讓你們兩個之間的關係至少有個開始。讓我們這麼說好了，妳還記得妳跟妳的閨蜜們剛認識的時候講的第一句話是什麼嗎？那句話是成為妳們變成超級好朋友的關鍵嗎？ No? Of course it didn’t. Because the first lines are only the initial 1% of the interaction. And it’s the same when you speak to guys. It’s the 99% after that first line that really determines whether or not a guy is attracted to you. 我想兩個問題的答案應該都是否定的，因為開場白只是兩個人的互動的其中1%而已。這跟妳跟男生講話是一樣的道理，剩下的99%才是這個男生會不會被妳吸引的關鍵。 But this all still might be unconvincing. 講到這裡可能還不是很有說服力。 You might agree that the first line of conversation doesn’t really matter, but still think it’s a guy’s job to come up to you and spout that first line, however inept and bad a job he does of it. 妳可能會同意第一句話不是那麼重要，但妳可能還是會覺得男生應該要主動跟妳講話才對，不論他對這件事情擅長還是不擅長。 In my experience, most women either feel either (a) it is just not their job to approach a man, or (b) they would potentially approach a man, but worry that it will kill their desirability, because it seems desperate and needy. 從我的經驗來看，大部份的女生都覺得(a)接近男生不是我的工作，或(b)她們也許會主動接近男生，但是另一方面卻擔心自己會因此不被當一回事，因為「女生主動」這件事會讓她們顯得很「缺」。 Let’s briefly survey (and destroy) these and some of the other arguments that arise when people explain why women can’t approach men: 讓我們簡單的調查（然後摧毀）這些愚蠢的「女生不能主動」的立論依據： 1. Argument From Tradition 傳統觀點 Men have always approached women. That’s the way it always was. Go back to any time in history, from the Middle Ages to the 1950’s, and you see the same ideal: The man’s job is to approach and pursue a woman, and hope she chooses him. 男人已經追求女人追求了好幾世紀了，這是一直以來的通則。我們重回歷史，從中世紀開始到1950年代，妳看到的是同樣的畫面：難追求是男人的工作，然後男生希望女人選擇他。 Why is this a bad argument? 為什麼這是一個不合理的論點呢？ Tradition alone can’t justify anything. Go back to the Middle Ages and you’ll also see rampant sexism and women who had no political or economic power, yet the fact that these are ‘traditional beliefs’ can’t convince us that these were good things. 傳統不能夠定義任何事，我們回到中世紀，性別歧視在那個年代是非常猖獗的，女人沒有投票權甚至是經濟獨立的能力，那這些告訴我們難道以前的規矩就一定是好的規矩嗎？ Moreover, if you know your Victorian history (and this is something we mention in the Get The Guy book), you’ll also be aware that it’s a myth that women never used to make the first move. In the Victorian-era women would be known drop their handkerchief in the street in order to get a male suitor to pick it up and bring it to her, thus starting a conversation. 甚至，如果妳回到維多莉亞時代（這是我們在Get The Guy這本書裡面也有提過的）妳也會知道，女人從不做第一步行動，這是一種迷思。在那個年代，女人在街上經過喜歡的男生的時候，會利用「掉手帕」這個動作來讓男生撿起手帕遞給他們，藉此展開對話。 So women have been making the first move for a lot longer than people believe, even if they used to have to make that move in more subtle ways. 所以女人其實已經默默的採取行動很久了，但女人很多時候是採取比較細微而不明顯的動作。 2. Argument From ‘Naturalness’自然性立論 Men are hunters and need to feel masculine. Approaching a woman makes a man feel masculine. 男人是獵人而且需要覺得自己很man，接近女生能夠讓男生覺得自己像的男人。 Why is this a bad argument? 為什麼這個立論不合理呢？ Approaching does not make a man feel masculine. Being desirable to a woman makes a man feel masculine. Even if being able to approach a woman did boost a guy’s masculinity, there are a dozen other ways a man can be made to feel masculine, so it’s pretty much irrelevant who approaches. 接近並不會讓一個男人覺得自己像個男人，「被女生想要」才是讓男人覺得自己像個男人的時刻。即使有能力去接近一個女生讓男生覺得自己像的男人，要讓男生覺得自己像個男人，有很多種其他方式可以達成這個目的，所以跟誰接近誰，沒什麼特別的關係。 When people make the Argument from Naturalness they tend to mean something like: Men like to pursue and earn a woman’s attention. 當人們把這個議題扯上自然生物性的時候，他們說的是男人喜歡追求並且贏得女生的注意。 But in truth, a guy doesn’t mind if he gets the initial attention from the woman. As long as he feels like he pursued and earned her attraction. See, it’s true on some level that men like to feel like they have done something to impress you, but there’s no reason this has to be on the initial approach. 但事實上，男生並不在意是否先被女生先被自己吸引還是相反，只要他覺得自己有展開行動跟贏得對方的注意就好了。所以妳看，男人的確喜歡覺得自己付出之後得到「贏得妳的青睞」的成果，但他不一定要是那個先展開行動的人吧。 So even if men do need to ‘hunt’ in the way this argument says, this doesn’t mean they need to do it by starting the conversation. Even if you give a guy a flash of initial attention, you can now make it his job to try and keep your attention. This is what really makes him desire you and feel like you’re a prize. 也許男人需要「獵殺」但是不代表他要「開啟對話」呀。也許妳先給他一下子的初步的注意，接下來要持續妳對他的注意力，就是他的工作了。這才是他想要妳、覺得妳是大獎的關鍵點。 Most guys, no matter how good-looking, live under constant pressure and fear of approaching women. When they have a woman relieve that tension by speaking to them, it’s refreshing. It feels good and boosts his confidence. He becomes more alive and talkative and will suddenly snap into action and start wanting to keep her around. 大部份的男生，不管他們多帥長得多好看，他們都有那種要逼迫自己先展開行動的壓力跟恐懼。如果有個女生能夠去釋放這個壓力並且先去跟他們談話，這是一件非常新鮮的事情。這讓他們感覺很好，而且讓他們增加自信。他會變得更有活力、更健談，而且會瞬間進入到一個「獵人」的模式而且會想要把妳留在他們身邊。 Bottom Line: Guys can actually feel like more of a man if you approach. As long as you show that he still has to impress you. 底線：當妳們主動接近的時候，男生其實更覺得自己像個男生。只要妳們在接近他之後，仍然是「你需要做點什麼來得到我的青睞」的態度。 3. Argument From Weirdness「妳主動會很奇怪」的立論依據： It just feels weird to approach a man, it feels unusual and un-ladylike to go and try to pick a guy up. 主動對我來說就很奇怪，主動就一種不正常而且不淑女的行為啊。 Why is this a bad argument? 為什麼這是一個不合理的論點呢？ I’m not recommending you go around like a predator trying to ‘pick a guy up’ (unless you have no problem with that, in which case, go nuts). 我不是叫妳當個肉食者一副飢渴的樣子要把男生給吃了（除非妳對那樣的行為一點問題都沒有，如果是如此，盡情地去獵食吧） Perhaps it’s the use of the word ‘approach’ that makes this seem like a bigger deal than it is. Really, by ‘approaching’, we just mean starting a conversation. It’s easy, fun, and something you can do anytime, anywhere. 也許「接近」這個字眼讓這件事情看起來比較嚴重。但是「接近」真的就只是開口跟對方說說話而已。很簡單、很好玩，而且這是妳能在任何地方任何時刻做的事情。 If this idea feels insane to you, just start as small as possible. Make more eye contact (an incredibly effective tool not enough women make advantage of), or just say “how’s your night going?”, or just talk to the guy next to you and ask him something about the place you’re in (party, bar, park, museum). 如果這個概念對妳來說還是很瘋狂的話，先從微小的地方開始實踐吧。也許眼神接觸（這是一個非常有效的工具，但是很少女生會去使用）或是只是簡單的說：「你喝的東西是什麼」或是一些簡單跟妳當時處於的環境有關的問題都可以。 If a guy is eating lunch ask him what’s good on the menu – speak to waiters, coffee shop owners, people at work, security guards. These things seem tiny and silly, but this is what women who meet lots of guys are able to do effortlessly every single day. 如果那個男生正在看菜單，問他什麼東西好吃。跟服務生、咖啡店老闆、同事、警衛說說話。這些事情看起來很小很傻，但是這是那些每天都能夠輕鬆認識新的男生的女生每天都在做的事情。 This isn’t one big action, it’s lots of tiny interactions. The best strategy to get comfortable with this is to go for quantity over quality every time and ‘warm-up’ your social muscles. 這不是一個很重大的舉動或改變，只是很多微小的互動而已。追求量而不求深度的做法對妳的社交肌肉是一個很好的「暖身」練習。 This means (a) talk to LOTS of people. Become an unbelievably sociable and open person no matter where you are, and (b) Don’t try to be too clever/witty/charming – just focus on having lots of conversations. 這代表(a) 跟「很多人」說話，變成一個可以在任何地點跟任何人聊起天來的人，跟(b)不要過度嘗試表現聰明、有魅力，只要專注在「跟很多人」開啟對話這件事情就可以了。 It gets less weird. Promise. 慢慢就會變得不奇怪，我保證。 4. Argument From ‘What Most Women Do‘「但是其他女生都…」的論點 This argument says ‘most girls don’t approach men, so I’m not going to either’. 這個論點在說「大部份的女生都不主動啊，所以我也不應該主動」 Why is this a bad argument? 為什麼這是一個愚蠢的論點？ The love lives and opportunities ‘most women’ are confined to are either meeting some guy in their office or hoping someone in their social circle introduces them to a friend. This is an embarrassingly limited pool from which to choose. 對於「大部份的女生」來說，愛情侷限在辦公室裡或是他們的交友圈裡，這是一個少到令人尷尬的能夠選擇的數量。 A good general rule in life is to avoid modeling the ordinary. We need to be the exception to the rule if we want exceptional things to happen. 在人生中，最好的策略就是避免跟大部份的人都做一樣的事情。如果想要美好且特別的事情發生在你身上，那麼你就必須去做跟別人不一樣的事情。 Unfortunately, some women will always have an anecdote about a friend who got approached by a guy on her first day of college, married that guy, and lived happily ever after. But this is only one anecdote. It’s one person getting lucky. And that’s fine. Any of us can get lucky…But isn’t it better to have a strategy you know will work? 但很不幸地，這世界上很多女人都有著神話思想，那個在大學第一天就被第一個男朋友搭話，然後跟那個男生結婚，從此之後幸福快樂。但是這只是妳聽過的少數的故事而已，這沒關係，反正我們任何人都可能這麼幸運嘛…但，妳不覺得，有個好的而且有用策略對妳自己比較好嗎？ -- Dana's Lifeingredient http://danaslifeingredient.wordpress.com/ Attract Men You Want http://attractmenyouwant.wordpress.com/ -- ※ 發信站: 批踢踢實業坊(ptt.cc), 來自: 1.160.81.46 ※ 文章網址: http://www.ptt.cc/bbs/CATCH/M.1409714159.A.82F.html ※ 編輯: shunn (1.160.81.46), 09/03/2014 11:17:19

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pinkhoney

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meijer

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為什麼要分辨呢0w0

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